Relax Bruce; Boston Says, 'Don't Do It'

From the Berkshires to Boston, from Bangor to Buzzards Bay, the calm of winter is interrupted by cries of dread and despair.

Don't do it, Bruce. Just don't.

Rumor has it that Boston Red Sox lefty pitcher Bruce Hurst is ready to skip town. Despite the competitive offer from the Old Towne Team, the 18-game winner and best Sox southpaw in decades is leaning toward accepting an offer from the San Diego Padres. San Diego?

Don't do it, Bruce. Have a heart.

The police department is barricading the Prudential Center and the Hancock Tower against the estimated 300,000 who have threatened to jump if Bruce leaves. Hordes of Red Sox fans have assembled on the banks of the Charles, pledging to swim in the sludge if Hurst flies the coop.

Worse yet, another mob, including a fellow named Michael Dukakis, stands on Long Wharf, poised to plunge into what the president-elect calls the most polluted body of water in America.

Don't do it, Bruce. Please don't.

Remember Brian Wilson? The guy who lost his legs trying to stop nuclear weapons from being transported by train? Well, 20 diehard fans are squatting on the tracks at North and South Station. They won't let any trains go by.

Have pity, Bruce. Don't do it.

A crowd has gathered at Fenway Park. More people than were in line for playoff tickets. How much danger is the sacred diamond in? I shudder to think. Let's just say that a van marked "Libyan Terrorist Squad" is parked on Lansdowne Street.

Even Boston Garden is under siege. The rumor is that the people with the TNT are actually Bruins and Celtics fans who just want a new Garden.

"We don't care if the Bruins have to play on the river when it freezes," one indignant protester said, "So long as Bruce stays in Boston."

Don't do it, Bruce. It's not worth all this.

The panic has spread beyond the common fan. The state legislature is in emergency session. They're voting to donate their salaries to Bruce if he stays. Massachusetts Lt. Gov. Evelyn Murphy offers to give him her new car. Gov. Dukakis offers his T pass if he stays.

Raytheon Corporation has installed one of its missile systems, all set to fire.

"It's aimed at San Diego," a company official reported. "We don't mind if they take the America's Cup from New England, but we draw the line at Bruce Hurst. This will teach them."

Don't do it, Bruce. Have mercy.

The Boston sports teams have organized to keep Bruce in Boston. Physically.

Jim Rice heads this covert "Barricade Bruce" squad. The Patriots have sent Andre Tippett and Bruce Armstrong. Jay Miller and Lyndon Byers of the Bruins have joined the force. Robert Parish and Ramon Rivas of the Celtics will be there.

"We'll be at all the exit points when he tries to leave. On all the highways, at the airport," said a spokesperson for the squad. "We hear the fans have the train stations sealed off."

"We should be able to stop him. Hurst is tough, but Andre has a black belt in karate. Parish tuned up for this assignment a few weeks ago. A fellow named Laimbeer was his sparring partner."

"The Bruins may have a game that day, but we're not worried," the shadowy informant continued. "They'll just get thrown out at the start like they always do, then go to Logan and stop Bruce."

This could get nasty, Bruce. Don't do it.

Roger Clemens is down in Texas now, but the Rocket Man has offered to throw a fastball from there to back Hurst away from the airline gate. "I'd rather throw at George Bell," said the Sox ace, "but we need Hursty next year."

If you haven't figured it out yet, Bruce, no one wants you to leave. But in all seriousness, the biggest reason for you to stay is the fact that none of the above would really happen.

You see, if you leave, tears will be shed, curses will be uttered and hearts will be broken. But Boston will recover. We'll all still love the Sox, win or lose, Bruce Hurst or no Bruce Hurst.

I'm not sure what you see in San Diego. Beaches, good weather, the zoo, whatever. But Boston is something I'm not sure San Diego is. It's a baseball town. It's a Red Sox town. It's a loyal town.

Yes, you received a stack of letters from San Diego fans, but will they be there with you when the Padres are down? As for Boston fans, remember the parade after the '86 series? They may be demanding, even unforgiving, but they love the Sox for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. And yes, 'til death do us part.

So if you're thinking about heading west to play baseball, think about what kind of baseball town you're heading for. I don't know much about other towns and their fans, but they don't come much better than in Boston.

Don't do it, Bruce.