Spring Sex Tips

ONCE AGAIN, as the high mountain snows, melting, add their crystal effluviance to the swelling gurgle of rivulets, and the soft-tendrilled blooming of young flowers casts the sweet perfume of life to the caressing sunlit breezes, it is time for young men to cast their thoughts to sex, and where to get it. Yes, it is spring, and more than ever the mind of the nation is turned to thoughts of roses, moonlight, champagne, latex, spermicidal foam and deadly viruses.

In our enlightened age, sex is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a natural, fulfilling experience closely linked with love, and, for the less fortunate, childbirth. It is a bond between two individuals. It is the culmination of a mature relationship.

But many unhappy people are unable to approach sex as the beautiful, guilt-free thing that it really is. These people have hang-ups, and, if ridiculed properly, can develop severe insecurities and doubts about their self-worth. Some of these people are also very wealthy. In order to help them, I, Rutger Fury, have abandoned journalism for the burgeoning industry of sex therapy.

LET'S TAKE a look at a typical sexological dilemma. Gary X (not his real name) is a successful politician with high visibility and excellent connections within one of the major United States political parties--let's say, for example, the Democratic party. Gary feels, not without justification, that he has worked long and hard for many years, and in return should be able to have sex frequently with many members of the opposite sex.

Gary's problem, however, is that he is married, and furthermore, that he is seeking the Democratic nomination for the presidency of the United States. He fears that a public sex scandal might ruin his chances for the nomination. Nevertheless, it is spring. What should he do?

In reality, this is a very typical problem, and not a cause for undue concern. Many men in prominent positions desire extramarital relationships, and if these relationships are sexual, then so be it. Indeed, excess buildup of sperm in high-powered politicians has been indicated as a causal factor in many pathological conditions, including inability to remember okaying appropriations for secret illegal operations.

Gary's concern about his political career is more worrisome, but hardly insurmountable. As with any sexual encounter, Gary must take adequate precautions. He must ask himself several questions before proceeding with his desired amorous encounter, such as:

.Am I emotionally ready for this?

.Is there a back door to this building?

.Is my wife at least 2000 miles away?

.Do I have a supply of condoms?

.Have I been trailed by reporters?

.Are their any sores, lesions or pustules on or around the genitals of myself or of my partner?

Unless Gary has a good memory, it might be advisable for him to carry these questions with him on a clipboard, to which he might refer before engaging in foreplay. Since Gary is a politician, several other do's and don't's should come more easily to him. With sex, as with politics:

.DO accuse your competitors of being homosexual.

.DON'T let the public assess your competence.

.DO make necessary promises, even if you can't fulfill them.

.DON'T attempt to perform while overly intoxicated.

.DO refuse to answer, on the grounds of unfairness, any questions to which you cannot think of a convincing lie.

If Gary follows these rules, then he should have a happy, healthy sexual relationship free from trauma, blackmail, and lingering death. If he does not, he may run into trouble.

LET'S IMAGINE, for the sake of illuminating the esoteric and misunderstood field of sexology, that Gary makes a mistake. He fails to check if he's being tailed by reporters, and his tryst winds up on the front page of an imaginary paper--let's call it the Miami Z-Herald. What should he do?

At this point, after the good advice of his sexologist has either been forgotten or ignored, Gary is caught between a rock and a hard place. Simultaneously he must try to convince the voters that a) He had a beautiful woman in his home, but did not sleep with her, and b) He is not a homosexual.

Frankly, there is no prescribed formula for such a difficult situation. Sometimes, the worst is bound to happen. For example, when the popular TV evangelist Rev. Jim Z was caught in just such an affair, the public wound up believing that not only did he have sex with the young woman in question, but that he was a homosexual to boot. And there was little that a platoon of Marines in the large communist country Q could do to save their jobs.

Still, it is not for the sex therapist to despair--that is a task for old, fat, or ugly people. It is under dire circumstances that the mettle of great men proves itself, and in grave danger that the most bucks are to be made. Above all, one should always remember that the situation could always be worse. I mean, at least Gary didn't drive off a bridge with the girl.

Rutger Fury, former private secretary to TV's sexy Heather Locklear, used to be a journalist but now peddles sex tips for dough. He is a close personal friend of Jeffrey J. Wise.