Dutch and Disney

LAST WEEK, the Walt Disney Corporation announced plans to construct five new theme amusement parks in various locations around the globe. In order to confer the greatest possible benefit on the world's population at large, I suggest that one of the new Disneylands be centered on the holy city of Jerusalem.

A beneficial choice of location in many ways, it will promote greater harmony among the various religious sects which have historically squabbled over this amalgamation of sand and holy structures. As I envision it, the new Holy Disneyland could be comprised of three sectors connected by an elaborate monorail system: Christian-, Muslim and Jewish-Worlds.

Branching out from the park's center in Jerusalem, Christian-World would feature both Bethlehem and Nazareth. In Bethlehem, one could imagine a hall of martyred saints along the same lines as Disneyland's current hall of dead U.S. Presidents. At the mere pull of a string, the vacationer could hear Joseph and Mary's arguments about possible infidelity and the three wise men debating what gift Emily Post would recommend for the birth of a savior.

For those not quite so acclimated with the Christian tradition, a short trip over scenic desert regions and barbed wire would land them in Muslim-Land. Muslims would absolutely flip for the renovated Dome of the Rock, re-done as a religious "Space Mountain" roller-coaster ride.

Another big attraction would the Gaza Strip, not the controversial length of sand it is now, but rather a vast crystal wonderland--a meltdown of the sand dunes into an elaborate glass landscape.

For those more inclined to wholesome family entertainment, Jewish-World would be only minutes away. On the lusty waves of the Dead Sea, one could just picture a pirate ride, in which scurvy Hassidic blackbeards unroll replicas of the ancient scrolls in search of buried treasure. For thrills and chills, the Wailing Wall would make an amazing house of horror, complete with slide-projection wraiths and plastic mummies. And for a big finale, one could construct and demolish the city of Jericho twice daily with high pitched sound and invisible lasers.

Massada offers other exciting possibilities. The famous battle scene could be redone as Frontierland, a current Disney favorite. Here, one could take part in gunfights with those black hatted Romans--a sort of biblical O.K. Corral.

In addition to promoting greater inter-religious harmony, the new Disneyland would provide badly needed jobs for an economically depressed area. Poor beggars like Muammar Khaddafy would no longer have to idle away their time in fruitless militarism. Instead, he could get a job dressing up as Donald Duck or running a concession stand selling snap-on Mickey ears for yamulkas.

BY NOW, the reader may think that this whole scheme is quite ludicrous. However, pause and reflect for a minute that from ancient history to the present, Jerusalem--the holiest of all cities--has been a motivating factor behind some of the bloodiest wars on the globe.

And also remember the United States' dealings with the whole Middle East in recent history: support of the Shah of Iran; weak response to the Ayatullah Khomeini; condoning the Israeli invasion and subsequent slaughter in Lebanon; and recent big-stick bully tactics against a relatively impotent Libya.

I firmly believe that if one reflects upon how the present Administration has dealt with this complex area, one inevitably comes to the following conclusion: if you're going to have Goofy run one of the world's trouble spots, you might as well be up front about it.