Safety in Numbers

AMERICA IS SAFE at last.

White House insiders have revealed that the President is now considering a new plan to make nuclear weapons obsolete. A high-level source leaked this transcript of a National Security Council meeting which took place sometime last week:

Ronnie: Well, hello, everybody. Anyone want a jellybean?

Shultz: Yes, Mr. President, may I have a red one?

Ronnie: Choose again, George, red is dead.

Shultz: Uh, I'm sorry, sir. I'll try a blue one.

Ronnie: Well, all right, I understand you have a proposal for me.

Cap: Yes, er, that's right, Mr. President. The Pentagon has...

Ronnie: Anyone want another jellybean? Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, Cap. Go on.

Cap: I was just going to say that the boys over at SDI have come up with a real zinger.

Ronnie: SDI? Is that the contraceptive they recalled?

Cap:Uh, no, Mr. President, it's your Strategic Defense Initiative.

Ronnie: That reminds me of a story I used to tell about Jimmy Stewart. I don't remember the story, though.

Cap: No problem, sir, maybe it will come to you later. Anyway, they have this plan that would knock the Ruskies' missiles right out of the sky.

Bush: Gee, that sounds just swell.

Ronnie: Shut up, George.

Cap: We started looking into these laser-beam things and stuff like that, but the research wasn't very promising. Well, I was having lunch with a few of the guys from the military-industrial complex last week and said, "C'mon, how hard can this thing be? You have a missile travelling six miles per second up there. Anything you throw at it is going to do some damage." Then the idea...

Shultz: Mr. President, excuse me. Would you please tell George to stop hogging the jellybean jar?

Ronnie: Now, George, Mommy and I aren't going to let you come to the state dinner tonight if you don't cut it out.

Bush: But, Mr. President...

Ronnie: Shut up, George.

Cap: Well, this idea came to me the next day while I was reading the newspaper. I saw a story on that Polaroid lawsuit against Kodak...

Ronnie: Doesn't Michael Landon do the Kodak commercials? Mommy and I used to love to watch him in "Little House on the Prairie."

Cap: Er, yes...I think so, sir. The point was that Polaroid sued Kodak for infringing on their instant camera patents. And they won. The judge ruled that Kodak had to get out of the instant camera business altogether.

Ronnie: But, wait, will I still be able to buy film for my camera?

Cap: No, Mr. President, that's the whole problem. Or opportunity, I should say. Kodak isn't allowed to make either the camera or the film anymore.

Ronnie: What am I going to do with my damned camera, then?

Cap: Well, Kodak has worked out a plan so that everyone who owns a camera can send it back for a $50 coupon to buy other Kodak products.

Bush: Gee, isn't that nice.

Ronnie: Shut up, George.

Cap: Now, there are nearly 17 million Kodak instant cameras out there and thousands of them are pouring into the Kodak warehouses every day. Kodak isn't sure what to do with them.

Ronnie: Maybe they could give them to the truly needy.

Cap: Without any film? No, what we were thinking of doing is sending them into orbit.

Ronnie: Would that replace our space station?

Cap: No, sir. The idea is that a missile moving six miles per second would destroy itself on impact with one of the Kodak cameras.

Ronnie: Gosh, and we might get a picture out of it too.

Cap: Whenever tensions are running high on the international scene, all we'll have to do is launch a few million of the cameras into the main missile corridors. The Ruskies won't be able to get anything through that mess.

Bush: Wowee!

Ronnie: Shut up, George.