Kissing the Single Life Goodbye

Picture that guy who lived on the second floor of Pennypacker--the savior who typed your 10-page Expos papers and helped you with marginal utility curves and the trickle-down effect.

Or how about the coordinator of some Phillips Brooks House program who pleaded with you to continue volunteering because they desperately needed tutors even after you didn't show up at the second meeting.

Remember the girl from Lesley College who cycled 4500 miles across the country with you the summer of '84?

Picture exhanging gold bands with him or her. Picture a diamond. Picture forever.

The search is over and you still have to write a thesis next year.

Soon to be Married

Some Harvard undergraduates wondered whether they should even send a Hallmark greeting today to that special girlfriend, boyfriend, or simply "friend." Should you go for mailed personals or an even more personal approach? Maybe leave a dozen roses or a huge Hershey's kiss anonymously outside her door in commemoration of St. Valentine, a Roman priest martyred as a Christian in 3 A.D.

But other couples in love do not engage in such flirtatious banter. That's because these college students are already engaged. At Harvard. Literally, the soon-to-be-married way.

Their Valentine's gifts are not anonymous; they are not mysterious. They are anticipated, expected. These undergraduates are devoted and attached. Unlike the medieval European tradition where young men drew the names of women from a sealed box and were paired up only for one day in celebration of an ancient Roman feast, these couples are intending to be paired. For life.

Many engaged couples believe it was fate that brought them together. "Destino siempre gana," Victoria Rivera '87 says of her relationship with Remigio Cruz '86.

He agrees. "I saw her as I daydreamed. She's just that kind of girl. We both complement each other. I'm what she's been looking for, and she's what I was looking for," says Cruz.

It was definitely fate that Joseph F. McLean '86 met Elizabeth Belliveau of Lesley College, according to him. "She lived in Manchester, N.H. I went to St. Paul's [high school] from 79-'82...so during the school year I was forty miles from her home...and in the summers I worked there. She went to Lesley [close to Harvard]. But only our mutual interest in the [Ride-for-Life] brought us together."

Most engaged couples at Harvard say they first met in the hallways of dormitories, in classes, in the basement of Memorial Hall, in extracurricular organizational meetings, in mutual friends' suites.

"We first met in September," says Christina M. Rafinski '88, recalling her original encounter with her fiance, John M. Heyde '88. "We first knew each other as friends. [As the semester progressed] I realized I couldn't type at all. He volunteered to type my papers. I took him out for Chinese food to thank him...," Rafinski says.

"We were also both taking Ec 10," the Leverett House resident remembers. "He was going to be an Ec Major, and I needed help on problem sets."

Things were not so academic for Ian J. Hardington '86 and Shannon B. McNulty '86. They met through a mutual friend. "I remember I turned up at his room for a drink, and she was there," says Hardington, who proposed to his future wife last week. "We all went out for drinks. [That was the beginning], although I had my eye on her for a while.

Cupid's Arrows Fly

Of course, extracurriculars have been known to play a Cupid's role too. "The first time I met her [Belliveau] face to face was in suite P-22 of Lowell House in January '84," says McLean.

"We were having a committee meeting for the Ride-for-Life; we were splitting up the different states [to plan where we were going to stay that summer]," says the Winthrop resident. "The other two guys were ignoring me...and she was the only one who would talk to me."

It was almost the opposite for Cruz and Rivera. After their first meeting at PBH, Cruz almost never saw Rivera again. Cruz recalls, "She was a freshman, and I was a sophomore recruiting for a PBH tutoring program called Keylatch. I put out a sign-up sheet, and she and her friends signed up. But after the meeting she crossed her name off."

"[We really needed tutors], so I called them up. She [Rivera] became a tutor."

According to Cruz, the pair became boyfriend and girlfriend within six months. And ironically enough, Rivera became president of the Harvard social service agency just last month.

The Right Stuff

Of course, getting engaged is not the sort of thing that the typical Harvard student does once a month. Or once a year. Or at all. But for these few, both the time and the person were right.

"John has all the qualities I want in a husband," says Rafinski. "[Getting engages as undergraduates] seems strange to a lot of people, but we know we want to share everything."

More people express surprise rather than outright disapproval over his engagement, according to McLean. "It's mostly that other people's plans are so different. They want to take a few years...[to do their own thing].

People do not advise engaged couples to "date others," but they don't comprehend the commitment involved, according to Hardington, McNulty's fiance. "It's just so far from what they want. They want to go travel, to see the world. They want to go to grad school, to law school. They're not prepared to organize their life around someone else yet. We're doing something that 90 percent of the population does at some time. We're just doing it a little earlier."

According to McNulty, Hardington and she did not see any reason to wait. "We were going toward that direction anyway...we felt it was right for us. So many people are surprised. It's more fun than anything," the Kirkland resident says.

Firm Commitment

"It would be very artificial to wait, to not make the commitment firm," says Kimberly M. Sanchez '86-'87, fiancee of Eric E. Thompson '87. "School is a logistical part of life. There's more to life than being a student.

But according to Sanchez, they are waiting until they graduate to get married.

"People say you know when you know, and we knew when we knew. There comes a point when you know you want to spend your life with one person," says Sanchez, a former officer of the Harvard-Radcliffe Catholic Student Center. "[Ours] was always a completely unique relationship. Everything was sincere. He wasn't playing games with me, and I wasn't playing games with him."

While some of the couples say it is relatively easy being engaged at Harvard, others assert there is little support or real understanding among their peers.

According to McLean, many of his and Belliveau's friends are mutual, so they do not regard the situation as strange. "A lot of our friends were on the Ride [for Life] and they've seen us come together. Although when we go out with Kim and Eric [Sanchez and Thompson], others who are single feel left out," he claims.

Many undergraduates cannot relate to the commitment she has to her fiance, says Rafinski, a psychology major from Chicago. "A lot of people have said `I can't even comprehend. There's no way I'd feel ready.' But I feel that I'm ready."

"[John] and I have similar interests; we combine our social lives. But if John doesn't want to do things, I may go out with my girl friends," she adds.

Just Begun

To be engaged is not socially acceptable at Harvard, Sanchez believes. "People look at us like we're from outer space. Most of the people I know can't imagine making that commitment or being ready to take that step while they're in school.

"But I say don't be afraid of making that commitment. Engagement is not a narrowing device. I don't know why people have that feeling. It's just a beginning."