Take This River and Keep It

IN THE PAST year or so, I have been less than complimentary about conditions at the Quad. And I still stand by many of those criticisms. But to assuage many of my friends up North, I would like to point out the merits of living in the suburbs of busy downtown Cambridge. Herewith, a list of good things about the Quad.

Quad residents have stronger legs than other students: Obviously, from biking and walking to the dreaded river every day.

Quad residents also have stronger arms than other students: Less obvious, but equally true. Quad residents must carry everything with them to the river for fear of having to make a second trip. Consequently, their bookbags are very heavy, insuring a daily upper-body work out. Just a few of the items a Quadling must carry on his voyage downwind: books, pens, passport, travelers checks, sleeping bag, English-Riverese/Riverese-English dictionary, 110v/220v electrical converter, Lomotil and distilled water.

Quad residents are smarter than other students: Of course they are. It takes immense skill and rote memorization to decipher the ever-increasingly complicated schedule for the shuttle that transports Quadlings from their rooms to their classes on time.

Quad residents are faster than other students: When we were all freshmen, we thought nothing of getting up at 10:05 for a 10 a.m. class. After all, a comfortable pair of smelly sweats was probably hanging on the bedpost close by and class was no further than 100 yards from our front door. but getting to 10 a.m. class from 10:05 Quad departure requires a goodly sprint.

Quad residents are connoiseurs of international cuisine: They have the well-seasoned palate required to distinguish between food for the masses--the quintessential Adams House fare--and the acquired taste of Quad dining, not to mention the famed Hamboygah option.

Quad residents know their Harvard administrators better than other students: In fact, some of these bigwigs even live at the Quad. The Crimson recently revealed that only 32 percent of Harvard students knew that L. Fred Jewett '57 was dean of the College. Had The Crimson polled Quad residents, who see Jewett not only at his North House home, but also riding the shuttle bus home at night, they would have found a near 100 percent recognition rate.

Quad residents know the Harvard Police better than other students: Even those who don't live on top of the cops at 29 Garden St. know the Harvard men-in-blue intimately from all those late-night calls for escort rides from the dreaded River back to the safety of the Quad.

Quad residents know more Nobel Prize winning chemists than other students: We know Dudley Herschbach. River rats can't even name a Nobel Prize-winning chemist.

Quad residents don't have to go to Lamont to study: Who needs a house library at the quad when there's always Hilles. Comfortable, quiet, carpeted, and convenient, Hilles even offers Pop Tarts and Dunkin' Donuts for the hungry late-night studier.

Quad residents party better than other students: If you have to travel all the way to Boston, you might as well get drunk on the way. After all, the shuttle could keep you stacked up over Cambridge for many hours. Better bring a six-pack or two for the trip down.

Quad residents have their own skislope: Newly erected Mount Radcliffe, smack in the middle of the Quad, provides Quadlings with alpine skiing right outside their door. Rumor has it that snowmaking will be installed next year (courtesy of the Cabot family).

Quad residents are less confused by the breakup of AT&T than other students: They are used to dialing a 1 before all 498 prefixes. They also know that a 10-minute phone call to the River is much cheaper after 11 p.m. on weeknights and after 5 p.m. on weekends.

Quad residents are a breed apart.