Giving Good Phone

"Action man, wants to be my lover/ Action Man, wants to get me under cover."

-Joey Thunder and the Electrical Storm

IN THIS VIOLENT, ever-changing, dog-eat-dog world, it's nice to know, there are some things you can depend on This is why every freshman male at Harvard can rest assured that, even though his tuition may be raised, his financial aid cut, and his grades suffer, he can still count on at least one call from the Action Man.

Yes, indeed. Each Harvard freshman who lives in a Harvard dorm knows that one day, when he's sitting in his room watching Mighty Mouse, the phone will ring, and the following conversation, or one very much like it, will occur:

"Hello?"

"Hello," a raspy, masculine voice says, "Is this Thayer S-21?"

"Yes, may I ask who's--?"

"Is there anyone there interested in a little action?"

"Action?" The student asks, bewildered. "What kind of 'action"?

The reply is unprintable, and the conversion usually ends in the middle of it, nearly shattering the receiver, and leaving the student feeling dirty and violated as if he has just been kissed by a leper. First, he will angrily interrogate his roommates, demanding to know who's been writing his number in the bathrooms, at Logan Airport. Then, he will rush to the windows and look around the Yard to see if anyone if standing outside staring up at him, "Halloween" style. Only when he mentions the proposition to an upperclassman, or accuses him of making it, does he learn that he has experienced one of Harvard's most venerated and time-honored institutions--the Action Man.

Although it may be a little inaccurate to say that everyone gets a call from the Action Man during the course of his Harvard career. I have met very few people who haven't, myself included. Of course, as is true with any great institution or tradition, the Action Man can be experienced in a number of ways To some, he is the Pizza Man, calling up and asking who ordered Pizza, then placing an order of his own. When he calls pre-freshmen, he is the Early Action Man, when he calls minorities, he is the Affirmative Action Man Sometimes he is subtle, hemming and hawing at his motives until the listener gets the point and hangs up; other times as way my case, he is quite straight forward, making his pitch with a minimum of ceremony Nearly always, however, he gets the same answer.

THE QUESTION OF WHO lies behind that panting voice is worthy of contemplation, and theories diverge greatly on this. Truman Capote, a perennial favorite, has recently been exonerated by the fact of his death If it is him, then he's calling from a long way away. A number of faculty members, including a sizeable portion of the English Department, have also been the object of suspicion. Suspicions also reflect the biases of the student body, since Ronald Reagan is accused at least twice as often as Walter Mondale, and three times more than Konstantin Chernenko, especially now.

Another feasible explanation is that the Action Man is not single man, but a committee, much like Homer or Shakespeare is sometimes suspected to be, isnot I Francis Bacon, though.

The university and omnipresence of the Action Man experience, coupled with the fact that it is confined mostly to freshmen, seems to indicate that the University itself may be the activator of the Action Man. Perhaps that unnerving phone call simply a requirement, like the Quantitative Reasoning and Computer tests, just another blank for your advisor to check. To anyone demanding to know why this test should be made, I'll propose this example: Harvard's endowment for Widener Library exists partly on the condition that each student pass a swim test before he or she graduates; it is entirely possible that there is another building somewhere here financed by the action of the Action Man The question of what qualifies as passing or failing this examination is too chilling to consider.

The likeliest of all solutions to this great mystery is that the Action Man is an everyday, anonymous Cambridge resident, incredibly lonely, but basically inconspicuous. It is this enigma of identity which makes the Action Man such a legend in his own time. In fact, to identify and confront the Action Man would constitute the destruction of a time-honored myth, like Bigfoot, or the Loch Ness monster. A captured Bigfoot is just another mammal; a captured Nessie is just another reptile; an exposed Action Man would be simply just another pervert.

Perhaps steps should be taken to ensure the continuation of this legend. Perhaps a tenure of some sort might be in order, to help defray the enormous phone bills his life's work must incur. Maybe a tour on the lecture circuit, masked of course, would raise the available funds. Anyone who pays to see Daniel Ortega lambast the United States in Spanish would certainly pay to see the Action Man discuss his views on the world situation. He wouldn't have to stay at the Hyatt Regency, either.

Although all of this may seem a little too enthusiastic, considering subject matter; but the fact remains that he is an unavoidable, immutable part of the Harvard experience, like sauerbraten or he Quad, and as such, we should make the best of him. Therefore, he sons of Harvard, when you get that call, and hear that voice, you can find solace in the fact that he is yours and yours alone. Yale may have its Bulldogs, Princeton may have its Tigers, but only Harvard has the Action Man.