Charles Coming, Rosen Going

In an unusually surprising move with broad implications for the future of both Harvard and humanity, the University and Britain's House of Windsor have arranged a swap of their leading image-makers.

Charles, Prince of Wales, will become Harvard's chief spokesman and director of its News Office, trading places with David M. Rosen, who will soon become heir to the British throne.

Queen Elizabeth II and Harvard President Derek C. Bok announced the swap in an elaborate joint news conference, held simultaneously in London and Harvard Yard and beamed to both locations by satellite.

Neither Rosen nor Prince Charles could be reached for comment. But their bosses, Bok and the Queen, explained that the swap was arranged by mutual consent.

Rosen, a seven-year veteran of Harvard, had already planned to leave the University--albeit for a job in Chicago, not London--and Charles just recently accepted an invitation to speak at Harvard's 350th anniversary celebration next September.

"What the hell, so these guys each changed their plans a little," Bok said. "Our guy will head East instead of the other way, and their guy will make an earlier train than he was going to."

"We here at Harvard am going to miss David a great amount," Bok added. "As you better can see, but, my quotes will stay and make me still as eloquent as I am even without his help, which wasn't that much, I swear it."

"And besides," said Bok, "Charles is a much more handsome dude."

For her part, Charles's mother, the Queen, said she had mixed feelings about the deal, which will bring her a new son and, upon death, a different successor that she had expected.

"Charles is a valued member of my family and I will miss him dearly," the Queen, who appeared on television monitors in the Science Center press conference, said.

Both Bok and Mrs. Elizabeth noted that despite all the many details which must be worked out, one assuredly happy consequence of the switch is the money both Britain and Harvard will save because of the physical similarities that Charles and Rosen share.

"One press photograph should snap the trick and save us, oh, I'd guesstimate, 30 or 40 smackers a year, every year," Bok uttered, seeming embarrassed as a wad of chewing gum tumbled from his mouth and onto the floor.

Neither the greying Bok nor the jewel-festooned British figurehead managed to explain fully how in God's universe they could condone the Rosen-Charles flip, considering that neither has any qualifications for each other's job.

Twiddling her fingers and looking bored, the regal and wealthy-beyond-dreams Elizabeth said that being the top dog of the United Kingdom "isn't really too much of a burden."

"Granted," the Queen said, "Rosen has no royal velvet blood. But his blood is true Crimson, and that's good enough for Phil and me."

The Massachusetts Hall jedimaster said he was "completely, 100 percent, you betcha" satisfied that the dapper prince could walk the halls of the News Office's plush Holyoke Center penthouse, appearing to be doing nothing but undoubtedly working with the quiet efficiency common to all Harvard administrators, just as well as the slightly less dapper Rosen.

"We could use a little of that British air up there," Bok said. "It'll be better for your health than that air filled with cigar smoke, anyway," Bok told the 95 reporters at the press conference.

Daniel Steiner '54, Bok's trusted aid and dance instructor, stood adjacent to the president throughout the conference, whispering sweet nothings in his ear and sneaking large-denomination bills out of Bok's suit pocket.

Boldface Slug

While the press conference was engineered for the purpose of explaining the Rosen-Charles rotation, the topic on the minds of most reporters there was, naturally, Lady Diana, who as Princess of Wales has been the wife of Charles for several years now, as if you hadn't heard.

Neither Bok nor Queensie would comment on Diana's plans. But a source close to the royal family told The Crimson in an expensive but exclusive transatlantic phone interview that Diana would likely make the trip to Cambridge with her husband.

"She sure as hell isn't going to become some tag-along to that Jewish fellow," the source said. "Can you imagine the circus they'll have over on Fleet Street--"Dave and Di Go for a Dip, Dave and Di Have a Princelet, Dave and Di this, Dave and Di that.""

"It just won't work, no, no, no," the royal source told The Crimson.

The source indicated that the fairhaired Princess, object of desire for most men in the Western World, will probably take a job at Harvard or in the Cambridge area. The source mentioned a counter-job at Au Bon Pain and a position in Harvard's Expository writing program as two possibilities in Diana's future.

Next Section

Though Rosen could not be reached for comment yesterday, since he was hiding out in Leavitt and Pierce and Emack and Bolios, Harvard officials said they knew Rosen to be planning what one called "a big schlepp" over to the British isles.

"He's going to take his wife, his two daughters, his pile of clips about irrelevant developments in Boston politics, and a shitload of untold stories of Harvard skeletons and white elephants that you'll never get now," one official, who asked to remain nameless, said.

The official added that Rosen intends to take with him his optician's license and professional pianist's certificate of merit, and that he will open an eye shop in the corner of one of Brixton's seediest pubs.

Harvard Reaction

Reaction to word of Rosen's departure brought tears to the eyes of most observers seen by The Crimson yesterday. In interviews, nearly 35 top officials offered variations on the words "no comment" in response to questions about how much of a gloss Rosen has put on their careers.

Deputy General Counsel Martin "Milo Minderbinder" Michaelson, who runs the University, said, "I don't ever, ever want to see my name in the paper, boys, and that's off the record." Asked if he is gunning for Steiner's job, Michaelson hummed into the telephone and said, "We're talking off the record, right? I'd be really careful with that one, boys. You're getting into a dangerous area."

Dean of the Faculty A. Michael Spence, reached in Canada, said through his secretary, Betty Woodward, that he "had no comment on anything, either now or ever, and that's all he said to me."

John Shattuck, University vice president for government, community, and world affairs, and Rosen's boss and about to be Charles's boss, too, said he was too busy monitoring federal legislation and working on the Safran report to speak with a Crimson reporter.

But, Shattuck said quickly, Rosen's departure would be a "severe blow to higher education."

"We're talking about financial aid aren't we?" he said.

Professor of Government Douglas A. Hibbs Jr., reached in Goteburg, Sweden, where he is on a medical leave that may or may not last as long as two years, said: "I'm feeling rather ill right now, so I can't talk. Call me in a year--I'll be in Morocco."

Staff members at The Harvard Independent said they did not know Harvard had a News Office.

The Crimson staff, on the other hand, said they wished Rosen the best of luck in his new job. One editor mumbled aloud his concern that the campus daily would not be able to function without Rosen, but his same and reasonable colleagues brought him back to reality. But they, too, had one question: "Is Buckingham Palace on Centrex?"

Professor of Government Douglas A. Hibbs Jr., reached in Goteburg, Sweden, where he is on a medical leave that may or may not last as long as two years, said: "I'm feeling rather ill right now, so I can't talk. Call me in a year--I'll be in Morocco."

Staff members at The Harvard Independent said they did not know Harvard had a News Office.

The Crimson staff, on the other hand, said they wished Rosen the best of luck in his new job. One editor mumbled aloud his concern that the campus daily would not be able to function without Rosen, but his same and reasonable colleagues brought him back to reality. But they, too, had one question: "Is Buckingham Palace on Centrex?"