Dull the Pain

As quivering hands and mysterious ideas mark the new dry era at Harvard, the official alcohol policy remains as ambiguous as the Reagan Administration's arms control policy. The law is the law, administrators are heard to chant, scaring even yellow robed men in the Square. But what is Harvard policy? This week Daniel Steiner, Derek Bok's answer to Larry Speakes, turns to his mail...

Dear Dan:

I'm an Orthodox rabbi staying at one of the residential houses and need your advice. Last night, over mineral water and toast, the house master announced G-d had just blessed him with a son. Before I could say Mazel Tov, he asked if I could perform the circumcision next week. "Yes," I said, "Who could deny a baby his place?"

My problem is this: By tradition, the rabbi provides a little wine to the baby to dull the pain. (Steiner, eh? Perhaps you remember that a briss is not always a Jew's earliest happy memory.) The kid will not be 21 for many years, so can we have a small exception? --A Loving Rabbi

Dear Rabbi:

No pain, no gain.

Dear Dan:

I'm a 21-year-old Biology concentrator at Harvard, and I always study and never drink anything stronger than Classic Coke. I've looked everywhere in Gray's Anatomy, but I can't find a straight answer.

Where do babies come from?   --Confused in Four Colors

Dear Four Colors:

People who put rum in their Classic Coke and drive Chevys with large back seats.

Dear Dan:

I'm a field hockey player at North House, and I'm worried. Our bathrooms are coed (my parents don't know), and yesterday I saw one of the new sophomore football players go into the shower with an industrial-sized bottle of shampoo. While I was blow drying my hair, I saw him stumble out of the shower stall, smiling and singing "10,000 Men of Harvard." I went into the shower next, and--my parents warned me about this--the shampoo bottle was empty.

Then I looked at the contents label for this "baby shampoo:" water, amphoteric-19, polysorbate 20, PEG-150 distearate, sorbatan laurate, boric acid, fragrance and... benzyl alcohol.

What should I do?   --Suspicious Up North

Dear Suspicious:

The University is not interested in interfering with moral decisions, be they the decisions of 18 year old Sanskrit majors or 64 year old corporate executives tangoing in South Africa. Remember: just because a University can deny tenure to a Pulitzer Prize winner, it doesn't mean it can serve his 18 year old son a Whiskey Sour.

Fortunately, students do not need to enforce the law behind closed doors--or tight shower curtains.

But if you see him carrying shampoo near the punch bowl at Spring Dinner, call the authorities at once.

Dear Dan:

I am a two hundred fifty pound starting lineman, and last week on the way back from practice, a couple of the guys and I went out to eat some raw meat, and everybody stopped throwing food and one of 'em asked me to join this club. The guys said they just get together and toss balls and girls around. Sounded reeeeeal cool.

The problem is initiation. They called the place a speaker's club so like I thought I'd maybe have to say a few words like coach does back in the locker room. But instead the guys all say I'm going to have to chug for fifteen minutes. What do I do?   --Speechless by the River

Dear Speechless:

Chug milk.

Dear Dan:

I'm scared, frankly.

My stepmother just called to say she'll be coming up for Freshman Parents' Weekend. She's a great woman--she pays for school, books, trips, con traceptives, the phone bill, and my car. But she has a drinking problem, and I don't want to see her drink alone. I heard that she can give me drinks in my room because it's in loco parentis, but there's a problem.

You see my father was lost in the line into Disney World six years and three hundred sixty days ago which means my stepmother will no longer be a legal relative when he's declared dead this week. How can I drink with her?   --Lost in the Legalities

Dear Lost:

No one can excuse a violation of the law, but the University has not adopted a policy of searching students rooms for alcohol or intruding on family gatherings.

However, I have not been authorized by the Harvard Corporation to confirm or deny rumors that Crimson Key tour guides and Dorm Crew workers have been deputized by the county to enforce the law.

Dear Dan:

I am a Harvard history professor and am throwing a wedding party for my daughter next week at the Faculty Club. My daughter--let's call her Lola--is my only child, and I want everything to I as perfect as I am.

Lola is very mature for her age, but her age is still 19. What do I do when everyone toasts her and she wants to drink?   --Lost In Time

Dear Lost:

How 'bout a V-8?

Dear Dan:

I know the 21 drinking age is the law but I still can't understand. If I'm old enough to get drafted, to be tried as a adult in court, and to see below Madonna's belly button, why can't I drink. It just doesn't seem fair.   --Desperately Seeking Logi

Dear Desperately:

You're never too young to give to Harvard.   Clark J. Freshman