The Cookie Jar

ONE of the stock pledges of the Washington-bound reformer. Democratic of Republican, is to trim the "fat" and stop the corruption that costs the American taxpayer untold millions. Our current president even saw that strategy as the source of the additional revenue which would allow him to cut taxes and raise defense spending at the same time.

The economics or efficacy of that stance aside, it's refreshing every once in a while to hear that someone is cracking down on all that expense-padding, paper-shuffling, perk-taking corruption. That's why it was satisfying to hear of the collaring and conviction of two of the most amoral reprobates ever to take the sacred oaths of government service. Norman Edward Wilson, 59, and William Earl Ferguson, 44, who were found guilty of tampering with the U.S. mail in their jobs in the section of the U.S. Post Office which rewraps damaged packages. Specifically, Wilson and Ferguson opened a parcel of chocolate chip cookies and according to Post Office inspectors testimony, "devoured a small but undetermined number" of cookies.

To give the two workers a change to rescue their integrity, the inspectors sent along a "decoy" package of KitKat candybars. An impartial observer might question the decorum of this move, reminiscent of recent Washington scams involving FBI agents dressed as Arab sheiks offering U.S. Congressmen large sums of money for their votes on crucial issues. The strategy also seems doubtful--Snickers or perhaps peanut M&Ms would seem like better choices. But despite these drawbacks, the scam succeeded. Wilson and Ferguson could not resist the urge familiar to every late-night paper writer. They decimated the package of KitKats as well. (To their credit, the two scoundrels knew their limit; when the inspectors sent down a second decoy package, containing a mint set of U.S. Bicentennial coins and silver dollars, the workers examined it but re-wrapped and sent it on its way intact.)

Nevertheless, the jig was up. According to testimony quoted in the Washington Post. "Inspectors...then entered the work floor and led the two employees away, charging them with destruction of U.S. Mail." The intrepid Post Office inspectors relied not only on their wits and their knowledge of human nature, but on the most up-to-date technology available. Hidden in a "lookout gallery" high above the floor where the hapless cookie-embezzlers were feasting, the inspectors used binoculars and video cameras to obtain the evidence that would send Ferguson and Wilson up the river.

Imagine the reaction of the jury when the inspectors dimmed the courtroom at the trial and ran the "30-minute, full-color videotape...showing Ferguson and Wilson chewing contentedly from time to time on items taken from the packages. "Perhaps it wouldn't have been so awful if the package had contained oreos or Lorna Doones, but chocolate chips hold a special place in the pantheon of American symbols.

Ferguson and Wilson now face a $100 fine and up to a year in jail. But college students, for many of whom a care package is the vital link with home, can imagine a more fitting punishment for their crime: the ignominious court-postal. The U.S. Postal Service patches are ripped off the shoulders of the sweaters of the disgraced pair. Their scales and scotch-tape dispensers are smashed, and they are demoted to forever sorting mail without zip codes in the Dead Letter Office. The wretches fall to their knees and beg for lenience, but their judges are firm, and a squad of uniformed mail-carriers come to haul the miscreants away. Cruel, perhaps, but necessary: that's the way the cookie crumbles.