A Post-Feminist Letter to Men

MEN HAVE ALWAYS been good at talking to each other about women; likewise, women have always been able to discuss men amongst themselves. And throughout the ages both sexes have demonstrated considerable combative skill against each other (although women on the whole have made more impressive use of the frying pan).

During the last couple of decades women have socked it to men and vented their collective spleen in the process. As a result most men now know what women have known all along: that males do not posses a monopoly on intelligence, strength, ambition, or desire. Clearly any man who hasn't gotten the message by now is either deaf, dumb, or decaying inside a donut shop somewhere, clutching a newspaper that reads, "LINDBERGH LANDS."

Now that the shouting has subsided and the smoke cleared, a few hoarse but friendly postwar ruminations on the sexes seem in order.

'She's so cold'

A woman's outlook is shaped by fears and intimidations that lie outside of the average man's experience. Her freedom of movement is circumscribed in ways that a man's is not, because the consequences of her actions are potentially more devastating. A man walking alone at night might be robbed or assaulted, but a woman stands the additional chance of being sexually traumatized. A man wearing running shorts may invite glances, but rarely humiliating verbal abuse. A man can smile freely at women without too much fear of encouraging unwanted propositions.

A woman who exercises anything short of vigilance during her encounters with men is either dauntless or unaware; for as any newspaper reader knows, even policemen, doctors, priests, and fathers--society's protectors and healers--are not automatically exempt from the ranks of sexual abusers. Even some of Harvard's revered faculty members are not inherently above tormenting a student whom they happen to find attractive.

Practically every woman has one or more war stories located along the spectrum from harassment to molestation to outright assault. One illustration: On her bus home one evening, a woman I know smiled at a male passenger out of sheer friendliness. The man got off at her stop and immediately asked her to come to his place for coffee. She declined, but he continued to walk alongside her, down the dimly lit street, taunting: "Whattsa matter? You don't like Wops? Too good for 'em?" As they neared her house, she knew better than to enter it. As the man spit out, "I'll bite your fuckin' tits off, cunt," she turned sharply and walked in the opposite direction for a quarter mile, in the rain and slush, until she felt safely out of range.

'I don't know why she says hello when she means goodbye'

If a man can imagine himself in the ludicrously unpredictable and hazard-filled position of a woman, and if he can comprehend the enormous psychological implications of having one's peace (not to mention one's personal safety) in constant danger of being shattered, he will have come a long way towards understanding female aloofness. My friend's real fears only began that evening after her bus ride, for the man who had menaced her turned out to be a neighbor who jogged past her house each morning.

This is, of course, taken from the harsh extreme of the female experience. But it demonstrates why some women are wary to the point of apparent hostility; and why even the warmest and most outgoing women sometimes greet men with an icy reserve.

A male friend of mine was puzzled by the seeming inability of women to decline dates with an immediate negative. No matter how many times I tried to convey to him the difficulties involved in turning a person down, he insisted that women give evasive answers to men for the express purpose of torturing them.

Until a gay man asked him out. My friend didn't accept, but the calls kept coming anyway because he couldn't find a way to say no. I was spared from becoming a bridesmaid at their wedding, not because he found a way to deflect his pursuer, but because the calls finally stopped (presumably the gentleman found someone to say yes).

Despite the initiative which women have gained during the past generation, men still seem to do most of the asking; which means, of course, that most men still don't know what it's like to be asked. But any man who has been asked out by someone whom he finds unin-triguing or loathsome knows what it's like to be put on the spot by a request which, no matter how cleverly or vaguely worded, essentially means, "Am I attractive and interesting enough for you to even consider giving me a chance?" Few people enjoy getting their feelings hurt: I suspect equally few enjoy feeling responsible for hurting another individual's feelings.

'The girl you want'

It is entirely possible for a man to be adored by his parents, prized by his teachers, valued by his employer, cherished by his friends, and still be viewed as an obnoxious creep by the woman he's pursuing. In fact, it's frequently the Boy Wonders who are mostly irritating to women because they can suffer to a maximum degree from the assumption that courtship is unilateral--i.e., that a man's attraction to a woman is the determining factor in mating, and that a man's affections should be automatically requited, as though it were an asker's market, so to speak. The nagging (sometimes haunting) persistence with which some men chase after women may be flattering in the immediate sense, but ultimately it reveals an insensitivity which can move a discerning female to the point of exasperation or even rage. A modest individual may not perceive this shortcoming in himself, until perhaps he realizes that such presumptuousness springs not only from conceit, but from childishness as well: wanting something without pausing to consider that it may not want you back in the least.

This type of man is particularly difficult to shake loose after one or two meetings, because simply by going out with him a woman has created her own personal Frankenstein--someone who mistakes acquaintanceship for acceptance, and politeness for affection.

I'm a girl watcher'

EVERY WOMAN enjoys genuine appreciation. It's a shame so few men know how to show it. Any woman who has walked down a street, especially in a big city and especially during the summertime, knows the difference between appreciation and abuse. Occasionally (usually in our dreams) we walk past men who smile fondly at us. Most of the time we are subjected to a crossfire which makes running the gauntlet look like a stroll. Comments like "Mmmmmm, nice," and "Hi there, honey" from total strangers may seem harmless; but because of them a women who ventures out in public is apt to return home feeling more-totalled than Total.

It is difficult to convince some men that women wear making and dress attractively for a host of reasons, only one of which may be to appeal specifically to them. Self-expression, along with the desire to be generally presentable behind female preening.

It is even more difficult to explain to men--especially those who haven't yet shed their supra-orbital ridges and prognathian jaws--that a women has the right to be both sexy-looking and respected at the same time. A man who flaunts his sex appeal is not presumed to have forfeited his status as a thinking and dignified being. A women, on the other hand, has a tougher choice to make--between appreciation in the sexual game and life's other arenas. It is a dilemma imposed on her by a common male tendency to attribute masculine desires to a woman's character. A corollary which may be a revelation to some men. A women's chest sizes has nothing to do with sex drive (except perhaps yours, upon viewing a pair). The myth that all well-endowed women are sex-crazy was probably started by some ancient male writer plagued by a seven case of wishful thinking.

'You're so vain'

There is a difference between impressing a woman and inspiring her genuine affection. Any man who relies on his resume to attract and hold a woman deserves whomever he gets. Institutions like Harvard abound with individuals who are capable of analyzing government and literature, or diagnosing the ills of an entire marketplace. While being unable to read the underlying emotions of the person with whom they ear, sleep, and talk on a regular basis. A man afflicted with an intellect which comes to life only for academic or professional audiences, while personal subtleties glide past, is telling women that his real concern lies in being seen, understood, and accepted--not in seeing, understanding, and accepting. A woman who enjoys one-way relationships and basking in the rays of her partner's achievements has little difficulty finding someone, compared to the woman who wants a man to love as well as admire.

There is one type of "Harvard Man" who views his education as a substitution for, rather than an enhancement of personal growth. He spends his life racking up achievement after achievement, adding luster to a glossy self-confidence. A deeper and more textured awareness and concern for those around him could transmute him from a merely flashy individual into a remarkable human being, deserving of a loving companion.

THESE THOUGHTS and observations, along with those of other women, should be dropped into one big Suggestion Box for men; men should provide a collection for women as well. Communicating grievances becomes such a simple task once ideology and anger are removed, it's a wonder more feminists didn't discover this fact following their Great Catharsis during the '70s. Only dialogue, not ideology, can ultimately help men and women transcend their differences; yet "Second Stage" feminists nowadays persist in viewing the sexes in terms of movements and jargon. Never mind them. Suggestions, men?