'Only in America...'

The Crimson has received the following predictions for 1983 from a highly placed and generally reliable astral source, who asked not to be identified:

January

President Reagan promises to use the appointment of a new Transportation Secretary to "make peace" with liberal and minority groups disaffected with his policies. "What I'm really looking for is a Black, handicapped, elderly nun who's been cut from food stamps and is anti-muke and pro-environment," he explains, adding, "If she's got Sandinista friends, that's all the better."

Embattled Boston Mayor Kevin White is indicted on 37 counts of bribery and misuse of public funds. Blaming Bulgarian operatives for "smearing me," the four-terns Hub leader takes to the airwaves to clear his name. In one commercial, White is shown purchasing 200 cans of Ajax, "just to show I'm still Mr. Clean."

Congress resumes session, and North Carolina Sen. Jesse Helms immediately begins a new filibuster on an old topic: the "repressive" five-cent federal gas tax approved in December. "Damned if Howard and Ray-gun try to shut me up again," drawls an angry Helms. "They do that and we'll secede."--

A private geneaologist discovers that Dean of the College John B. Fox Jr. '59, Economics Professor John Kenneth Galbraith, and Los Angeles Laker star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar are, in fact, distant relatives. "No one ever believed me when I said I have a great fade away jumper, and now they will," says an elated Galbraith. "We are all Keynestans now," intones the 6-foot, 9-inch Fox, tossing the College's 1983 budget into the wastebasket.

Controversy continues to rage over the closed meetings of several Undergraduate Council committees. Council chairman Michael G. Colantuono '83 reverses his earlier opposition to the closed sessions and announces that full Council meetings will now not only be shut to the public, but protected by armed guards prepared to use Mace on intruders.

The Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority announced that subway construction in Harvard Square "really is almost complete this time."

February

Learning that the Soviet Union has hundreds of missiles stationed in Georgia, the President puts all United States troops on a sudden military alert and orders Atlanta evacuated. Embarrassed aides explains to the Chief Executive that the missiles are in the Soviet South, but not before Reagan asks Congress for a $3 billion emergency "revenue enhancement measure" for shovels and canned goods.

The Government Department appoints Gen Curtis LeMay a tenured professor. In an interview, LeMay, George Wallace's 1968 running-mate, endorses the President's call for a surgical strike on Savannah.

Boxing promoter Don King announces that he has arranged a July title bout between Marvelous Marvin Hagler and Sugar Ray Leonard, who has been lured out of retirement by a record $25 million purse. The warm-up fight before the middleweight bout will be the long-awaited grudge match between Martin Peretz and Alexander Cock burn. "We're billing it as Beirut II," says King.

Harvard Football Coach Joe Restic, unsuccessfully sought by numerous professional teams for years, finally leaves the University--to coach at nearby Cambridge Rindge and Latin High School, "Maybe they can understand the Multi flex," he sighs.

Budget battles heat up late in the month between the White House and Congress, and charges fly. Capitol Hill Democrats call the President stubborn and unrealistic. He declares, in response, that opposition to his budget--"and to the Peacekeeper. Jim Watt and Nancy"--is "Communist-inspired." He does not elaborate.

March

A giant food-scare spreads through Harvard, as the sudden deaths of seven freshman are blamed on tainted Halibut Cheese Casserole in the Union. Seeking to quell the crisis, University officials announce the introduction of a new "Halibut-lock" on portions of the dish, and offer tuition discounts to those who brave it. But some officials privately speculate that the real culprits are Bulgarian terrorists. Asked about the crisis, Presidential candidate John Glenn, on a campaign swing through Cambridge, calls for "research and development, of course."

Admitting that "I wasn't really qualified anyway," New York Senator Allophones D'Amato resigns his seat. In a special election for the vacant spot, former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali defeats Republican drugstore heir Lewis Lehrman handily. Ali runs on the slogan: "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee/ Lehrman got whapped once before, now I'll put him down in three."

Alumni Association officials begin gearing up early for June's Commencement. Director David A. Aloian '49 promises that the '83 Commencement speaker won't be "a clunker like the last two, nosier."

In a widely criticized move that has sportswriters dumbfounded, the directors of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Coopers town, N.Y. unilaterally elect the Toronto Blue Jays' 1979 bullpen to the Hall of Fame. In an exclusive Crimson interview, the Hall's director explains: "We were all just sitting around having some drinks and a good time, and we decided to have some fun. We didn't expect it to turn out like this."

The English Department announces that three of its tenured faculty members have been dead since 1975.

April

A highly placed White House source discloses that the President is considering a plan to tax homeless orphans. The revelation brings on a firestorm of criticism, and the official retreats. "It's actually just one of several policy options we've been talking over, he says. The others include beating, torching and dismembering the orphans, he reveals.

It's Academy Awards time, and Dustin Hoffman wins again. This time, he's awarded Best Actor for his performance in Bison, in which he dresses as a lonely buffalo whose federal funding has been eliminated and whose range is being plundered by oil magnates. The elated Hoffman reveals that his next movie will be Dullsie, the story of the political career of John Glenn.

Harvard Campaign workers, seeking alumni donations abroad in the fundraising drive's Lesser Developed Countries Phase, accidentally stumble across former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, who has been in hiding. They immediately hire Amin as an assistant to campaign head Thomas Reardon. "Dada's a great fundraiser," says President Bok. "Everyone he solicits comes through on his pledges."

With Commencement two months away, there's still no speaker, but the Alumni Association isn't worried. "We're gonna milk the old boy network for all it's worth," says Aloian. Negative R.S.V.P's so far. President Reagan, the Cabinet, 12 Senators, 42 Congressmen, 33 foreign heads of state and Georgia halfback Herschel Walker.

May

Seeking to dispel rumors that he doesn't have the stomach for an extended Presidential campaign, former Vice President Walter F. Mondale appears on CBS' "60 Minutes" and downs two full bottles of Extra-Strength Tylenol.

New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley throws his hat in the Presidential ring for 1984,daclaring: "With Fritz laid up, I'm the best we've got." The Soviet news agency Tass observes. "Only in America could a spaceman and a basketball player be fighting for the chance to run against a former unemployed actor for President."

Unemployment hits a post-war high of 14 percent. Vice President Bush is sent to Haiti in search of voodoo economists.

Flamboyant Law Professor Alan M. Dershowitz, fresh from his successful defense of Lynette "Squeaky" Frame in her legal appeal, begins working to "clear the name" of Samuel Mudd, the Maryland doctor found guilty of assisting John Wilkes Booth by giving the assassin medical succor during his escape. In return, grateful NBC anchorman Roger Mudd--a descendant of the doctor--promises Dershowitz "all the air time he wants."

It's almost June, and still no Commencement speaker, but Aloian is confident: "Rome wasn't built in a day, you know. We've got time." Regrets so far include A. Bartlett Giamatti, Jerry Falwell, George C. Marshall, John McEnroe, Paul "Bear" Bryant, George's Pompadour, Buzz Aldrin, and Megan Marshack.

A regular Administrative Board session is cancelled when Dean Fox fails to show up. "He was off practicing his jump shot," explains secretary Marilyn Nelson.

June

Commencement speaker John DeLorean, ringed by federal marshals, calls for "creative answers to budgetary problems," adding, "It's the real thing, baby." Bok awards him an honorary M.B.A.

Former Secretary of State Alexander M. Haig Jr. calls a press conference to announce that "Even though I resigned a year ago today. I'm still in control."

The second battery of renovations of the undergraduate Houses gets underway, but it immediately runs into snags in Eliot House. "We're having trouble getting the fairway between the clubhouse and K-entry," a workman explains.

Reminding America that "I'm still the greatest." New York Senator Ali announces his candidacy for President, pledging to use his "Dump-a-Chump" strategy. "We Democrats won't take no dive/That actor Reagan's goin down in five," he adds.

Senator Helms carries an are onto the Senate floor, explaining that it is time "to bury the hatchet" and end his five-month filibuster, the longest in American history.

July

Polish Premier Jaruzelski, saying he acted too hastily in withdrawing martial law, puts the Polish people on "disciplinary probation--the type with teeth."

Boxing results: Leonard and Peretz out point Hagler and Cock burn, respectively, before a sellout in Madison Square Garden. "Everyone has a God-given talent." Leonard tells the press afterwards. "Mine happens to be mauling the hell out of other human beings' faces." Peretz, behind on two judges' scorecards, is named the winner when Cock burn is docked points for hitting below the belt.

The Major League baseball owners, meeting to choose a replacement for ousted baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn, unanimously elect Harvard Vice President and General Counsel Daniel Steiner '54. Steiner had been at best a dark-horse candidate, but the owners explain. "We winked someone who doesn't take any nonsense from labor. Dan's no softie."

Harvard Campaign officials, pleased with the results of their Lesser Developed Countries Phase, kick off their Repressive Regimes Phase with gals fundraisers for alum in EJ Salvador, Chile and South Africa.

Meanwhile, President Reagan certifies further improvement in EJ Salvador's civil rights record. "No dissenter has been heard from all year," says the gratified President.

August

The longest and most expensive election recount in U.S. history ends, with former Sen. Adlai E. Stevenson III '52 declared the one-vote victor of last November's Illinois guheranorial race against incumbent James "Big Jim" Thompson. "I'm so happy--pass the Perrier Lite," exclaims the jubilant Stevenson. Local newspapers report that Stevenson was put over the top by two late-arriving ballots: from Adlai E. Stevenson II and Adlai E. Stevenson I.

Fashion mogul Calvin Klein announces his latest line of items: designer genitalia. "It was the next logical step," he says.

Saying "I sure hate Derek's woodshed." Alumni Association director Aloian kicks off the searches for the 1984, 1985 and 1986 Commencement speakers.

Bulgaria denies charges that it sent its navy to supply Nicaragua with arms, claiming that all three of its rowboats have never left domestic waters.

The federal budget deficit shrinks by nearly one-third, as Australian publishing magnate Rupert Murdoch purchases The Congressional Record. "Strom's Mom Scalded Tots," reads the banner headline of the first issue.

The Harvard Independent, ending a three-year layoff, announces that it will resume publishing original material in the fall.

September

Fleet Street erupts as Prince Andrew and Washington stripper Fanne Fox depart together for a remote cassle in Bermuda. "It's entirely innocent," the prince protests upon his return.

Radcliffe President Horner, in Teheran on a corporate-sponsored tour, dispatches a telex to Washington imploring the Senate to sell cruise missiles and B-52 bombers to Iran because such action "is in the best interests of the United States."

John Fox takes a leave of absence as dean of the College as he joins the Boston Celtics at their fall training camp.

Classes resume, but the summertime renovations of the undergraduate Houses are again nowhere near completion. Housing Director Thomas A. Dingman '67, under attack for the delay, suggests that Bulgarian terrorists may have been responsible for the construction mishaps.

President Reagan declares his candidacy for reelection on Labor Day. "How ironic," comments AFL-CIO president Lane Kirkland.

October

In a letter signed by all 40 team members, the 0-5 Cambridge Rindge and Latin football squad complains about the coaching style and temperament of Coach Joe Restic. Restic shrugs off the charges, but he is forced to apologize to the local PTA for saying the players "are just dumb townies."

Ali wins a stunning political triumph in the Florida caucuses, pulling 62 percent of the vote to Glenn's 28 percent and Bradley's 10 percent. National polls now show he has pulled ahead of the Ohio Senator, and campaign manager Howard Cosell exults. "We can almost taste it now, right, Dandy Don?" The candidate himself is gleeful at his upset. "Of my talents there can be no mirth/ I brought the Spaceman down to Earth," he declares.

Radcliffe announces two new names to replace the monikers of North and South Houses. The former, rechristened in honor of a former University president, is named Ebenezer Hoar House; the latter, in honor of pathbreaking architect Waiter Gropius, is named Bau-House. "These are very delightful names," says Horner.

F-entryway in Dunster House suddenly collapses, killing 18 residents and injuring a dozen more. Experts blame the accident on the recent renovations and on the University's construction company, which had put all the House's grand pianos and furniture in Dunster F-21 at once. "It's a classic question of ends and means," says President Bok of the decision to risk the accident with the renovations. "I wouldn't be too pessimistic that we did the right thing."

November

The Government and History Departments grant joint tenure to Genghis Khan, waiving Harvard's usual retirement age of 70. "We were weak in Medieval History," explains History Chairman Wallace T. MacCaffrey.

The federal government announces the locations of its Peacekeeper Missiles, and there's one close to home: on the site of the old Burr Hall. Asked to comment, President Reagan says something about "the Kremlin on the Charles."

Campaign head Reardon announces the beginning of the fund drive's Tundra Phase.

Boston Mayor White rolls to an unprecented fifth term, as the Tremont Avenue cemetery turns out in full to vote for him.

December

Dean of the Faculty Henry Rosovsky finds "merit" in charges that new Professor Khan sexually harassed a female freshman, but he refuses to take any concrete steps. "You don't seriously expect me to send a letter to his former employer, do you?" asks the dean.

The Celtics jump to an early-season division lead, as they trounce the Philadelphia 76ers, 120-98, in Philadelphia. John "The Mean Dean Machine" Fox leads the way, throwing in 27 points, snaring L1 rebounds, and shutting off Sixers center Moses Malone. "That is one tough guy," says an awestruck Malone.

The Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority announces that subway construction in Harvard Square "is really almost complete this time, seriously, fellas."

Early Action results: Harvard admits 451 students to the Class of 1988, including three felons sentenced here by a New Mexico judge.

The Ali bandwagon picks up steam, as the New York Senator runs away with the Puerto Rico and Arkansas caucuses and shows a devastating 22-point lead in national surveys over Glenn, the only remaining serious Democratic candidate. If the November election were held today, Ali would dethrone Reagan by some 10 percent, according to national polls. "I'll say one thing with certainty/Eighty four is the Year of Me," the Senator predicts.

With an uphill reelection fight looming against Ali, Reagan challenges the Senator to a winner-take-all boxing match in 1984, declaring. "I can beat him at his own game." Saying that he will outlast Ali, the President predicts a 15-round decision in his favor. "He talks and brags with no remorse/But only I can stay the course." Reagan explains.