'Hit Squads' From the Quad

In return for the annual retainer mailed to our sooth-sayer on Mt. Olympus, he has provided us with these predictions:

JANUARY

Speaking at the Harvard Law School Forum, U.S. Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist says, "The most important issue in American jurisprudence today is the treatment of illegal immigrants from Pluto." Saying he was "glad to be fully recovered from my illness and back to my usual schedule," the justice added, "I'll feel even better when that six-foot cocker spaniel stops following me everywhere I go."

For the first time since the middle of President Conant's tenure at Harvard. Mr. Test announces he will not proctor exams this year because of the threat posed by roving Radcliffe Quad "hit squads." Test refuses to elaborate, citing national security reasons.

Despite head coaching offers from the Los Angeles Rams, the Dallas Cowboys and the Chicago Black Hawks, Harvard mentor Joe Restic announces he will stay in Cambridge. Restic--whose teams have failed to score against Yale in two straight seasons--says he fears the pros might have trouble understanding his vaunted Multiflex offense.

Recommending a delay for what one member calls the "umpteenth time," the committee drawing up the new constitution in accordance with the Dowling Report decides that Yale students have in the past been under-represented in Harvard student government. The committee grants the New Haven undergraduates one-sixth of a vote and permanent observer status, but it refers to the Finance Committee the question of round-trip bus fare to and from Connecticut.

FEBRUARY

In an interview in Harper's magazine, budget director David Stockman declares that excess military spending has destroyed the nation's economy. "Ronald's face may have launched a thousand ships, but it's going to sink us all," he says, adding, "I bet I get no supper for saying this."

Prime Minister Menachem Begin tells a cheering Israeli Parliament that he has decided to annex Northern Ireland, El Salvador and Poland. "We don't have troubles enough of our own," the grinning chief executive proclaims.

Meanwhile, University officials announce that only 90 students, most of them freshmen, have enrolled in Core courses for the spring semester. Moral Reasoning 78, "The String Quartet in 17th Century Austrian Suburbs," with an enrollment of six, is the most popular. "We seem to be encountering some resistance," W.C. Burriss Young '55, associate dean of freshmen says, adding that early plans call for Fine Arts 175, "American Architecture Gut," with a projected enrollment of over 3000, to be added to the Core next year to improve statistics.

The race for Cambridge's mayoralty enters its 785th ballot, with the vote split evenly between Lenny Russell and David Wylie. Swing vote Al Vellucci hints he may back George Wald for the post, even though Wald is not a city councilor. "At least he's not a frintcake like the rest of those guys at Harvard," says the East Cambridge councilor.

MARCH

His campaign for reelection in high gear, Gov. Edward J. King files multimillion dollar libel suits against every magazine and newspaper in the state. "Anything they print about me hurts me," King says adding that he has asked the State Supreme Court to enforce a gag order regarding his activities and statements on all Bay State journalists.

President Bok goes underground in response to "secret reports" that he is being pursued by "hit squads" from Northwestern and Stanford Universities. Citing "national security reasons," he declines to elaborate.

A major earthquake rocks Cambridge, opening a 70-foot-deep chasm through the middle of Harvard Yard.. As a result, the University renames Wigglesworth A, B and C entries in honor of Charles Richter '45. Admissions officials say applications from tremor-shy southern Californians plummet.

APRIL

Elizabeth Taylor, "out of my mind" after several months on her own, marries David Stockman, "out of my mind, period." In an interview in Parents magazine, Stockman says, "Our kids are going to get enough to eat. None of this ketchup stuff. Oops, the boss may use the buckle end this time."

Transferring to a geological time scale, the Dowling implementation committee promises to finish its deliberations "sometime before the end of this eon, or maybe the next."

In an effort to bolster Core enrollments, Dean Rosovsky announces the public execution of several freshman for failure to pass their Quantitative Reasoning requirement. "If you want to have an educational revolution, you have to break a few eggs," the rotund functionary announces. Cornell, Columbia and Bob Jones University immediately announces capital punishment programs of their own.

Saying he is bored with t.v. editorials, Oscar Handlin, Pforzheimer University Professor, announces he will produce a Broadway musical based on the great wave of immigration that marked the end of the nineteenth century. "It will be called 'Nativism as a Response to Large-Scale Population Influx,'" the historian/entrepreneur says. He adds that he has yet to find a backer for the project.

MAY

In a landmark ruling, Justice Rehnquist declares the federal Drug Enforcement Administration unconstitutional. "Maybe if the Justice Department attorney had only had two eyes, the result would have been different," Rehnquist says.

In preparation for his June-July vacation period, President Reagan announces he will take the month of May off "to practice." Citing "security reasons," Reagan advisers say the chief executive will spend the vacation in Tripoli. "All their gunmen are fomenting troubles overseas," Edwin Meese says.

On campus, Quincy House master David Aloian announces he will play for the House baseball team. Several curveballs into the opener, however, Aloian develops tendinitis. To salvage the season, he asks several Associated Harvard Alumni friends to purchase Fernando Valenzuela from the Los Angeles Dodgers.

University officials announce that Billy Walsh, a local condominium advocate, has agreed to serve as Commencement speaker. Sources say Walsh was not the first choice for the job; "in fact, we went right down the Fortune 500," one official discloses.

JUNE

An early morning blizzard worries Commencement officials, but sunshine breaks through and the temperature climbs into the low 40s for the ceremony. Actualy, ceremonies, since seniors A-M are graduated on the University Hall side of the Yard canyon. Honorary degrees are awarded to Albert "Dapper" O'Neill, Ed McMahon, Fred Jones (founder of S&H Green Stamps), Jack Webb ("crimefighter and character actor, he has contributed to the growth of UHF television"), and Timothy Leary ("ahead of his time, he has served the Supreme Court well this winter").

Arriving at Harvard several months behind schedule ("this is a troubled world"), Billy Graham converts almost half-a-dozen students to Christ at a Memorial Church service. "Sin pervades this campus," the famed video preacher said, citing the Science Center men's room and Tommy's Lunch as particular heathen-breeders. WHRB, whose president announces he has "seen the lights," switches to 24-hour sermonette programming.

Adopting the slogan, "A Fat Man for Lean Times," Sen. Edward M. Kennedy '54 kicks off his reelection campaign. Several advisers privately recommend that he not announce his candidacy from the bridge at Chappaquiddick. "Nonsense," Ted replies. "It will get lots of publicity."

JULY

The Harvard Campaign hits the $350 million mark, thanks to a $100 million contribution from an anonymous donor in Queens. "Actually, it's only a postcard with a pledge on it, but we're confident enough that we've renamed Holyoke Center 'John Doe Plaza,'" campaign officials say happily.

Construction at the Harvard football stadium is delayed for several years when a worker eating lunch accidentally leans against one of the cement stanchions and topples the north face of the concrete edifice. "I'm awful glad no one brushed up against that during the Yale game," athletic director John P. Reardon says.

Summer School enrollment soars once again, as administrators offer new pre-elementary school programs. All toddlers live in the Yard, and proctors are advised to "use discretion" in enforcing alcohol regulations.

A water pipe breaks, flooding the Yard to depths of up to three feet. Really.

AUGUST

With Ken Kesey at the wheel, the "turned-on, tuned-in Supreme Court forms a rock band and tours the country in a psychedelic bus. Sandra Day O'Connor soars to the top of the charts with her rendition of "You Send Me (to Prison)." "Eat my torts," Justice Rehnquist says. "What are you going to do, take us to court?"

Gen. Wojciech Jaruzelski announces that the "state of war" in his country has been downgraded to the "state of Mississippi." In the face of criticism from the West, Jaruzelski declares sternly, "This is no different from the United States, the Gulf region to be exact." Lenin Shipyards in Gdansk is reported churning out three sternwheelers a week.

His campaign on the skids, Teddy Kennedy announces he will go on hunger strike until Election Day. "That way, even if I lose I'll be in good shape," Kennedy, a reconciliation-minded Joan by his side, tells reporters.

SEPTEMBER

Returning from his vacation, President Reagan announces a cabinet shakeup. "My inner circle will be replaced by my outer circle," Reagan said, explaining that he had "heard every joke Meese, Baker and Deaver know two or three times."

In Cambridge, 1506 freshmen arrive. All but three announce they will major in the hard sciences.

Opening their season in the Orange Bowl, the Crimson gridders win by forfeit when Columbia is unable to scrape together airfare for the flight South. Workers predict stadium renovations will be completed in time for the University's 350th anniversary in 1986.

Back at work, the Dowling committee forms a subcommittee to remind students that it exists. "This is the most important issue at Harvard, and possibly in the world," Andrew Hermann '82, who has been granted permanent spokesman status by committee czar John Dowling, says.

OCTOBER

In an interview in Popular Mechanics, David Stockman compares Reaganomics to the vacuum tube. "It doesn't make sense anymore, and its guaranteed to break down a lot," he says. A day after its publication, Stockman explains he had really meant to say, "I have absolute faith in the president. He is the best president I have ever met."

With only a month of campaigning left, gubernatorial hopeful Mike Dukakis announces his plans to run for the College of Cardinals if elected governor. "Wrong religion, but I'm pure enough, "Dukakis says.

Labor trouble erupts at the World Series, when the rightfielders for both teams, who have organized a separate union, walk off the field. "Less sun in our eyes--that's what we want," Red Sox (dig that) rightfielder Dwight Evans says at a press conference during the break in the fall classic.

NOVEMBER

A disappointed Governor King, after receiving less than 20 per cent of the vote in his reelection bid, files suit against the voters of Massachusetts. "They have limited my earning potential," the governor says.

A victorious Ted Kennedy celebrates his win with a box of Twinkies; out of control, he eats nonstop for a month, ballooning beyond 400 pounds. "I'm a big fan of big government," he chortles merrily.

Joe Restic's mighty Multiflex offense manages a field goal in The Game, held before all 20 members of the Louisiana Harvard Club in the Sugar Bowl. The defense yields four touchdowns. "I guess we should have concentrated less on moving the ball and more on stoping it," Restic says, adding that he is "mulling over" job offers from 23 NFL franchises.

DECEMBER

Announcing that he "wants to think about the earth," Justice Rehnquist persuades his brethren to move court sessions outside. "I don't need those drugs any more. Just being alive; just grooving on the universe--that's enough for me," Rehnquist says, adding that he and Justice O'Connor's newborn son would be named "Phreedom."

Libyan leader Moammer Khadafy flees into hiding. Before he leaves, he decries President Reagan for sending "roving NATO hit squads" after him. "He is talking nonsense. He has no proof. Anyone who would believe him is nuts," Reagan says.

All but three freshmen stay at school over Christmas break to study for their finals. "Getting into Med School--that's serious business," one youngster announces.