Illegal Emotion

Item: The International Football Federation has told soccer players to act like men and stop hugging and kissing each other after scoring goals. The federation called on national soccer associations to take disciplinary measures against "unmanly behavior."

"The exultant outbursts of several players at once jumping on top of each other, kissing and embracing is really excessive and inappropriate and should be banned from the football pitch," the federation said in its September bulletin. The IFF also said that jubilation for a goal should be limited to congratulation by the team captain, and all players should be "reminded" to behave like adults.

Although the International Football Federation has no jurisdiction over American football, the National Football League's board of governors agreed by secret ballot last night to adhere to the IFF's decree, in a demonstration of international good faith. The board approved a complete overhaul of the league's rules, giving a new meaning to a referee's toss of the yellow flag. Changes are as follows:

ILLEGAL EMOTION--Formerly known as illegal motion, this penalty can be invoked by the referee, at his discretion, when any player on the field shows the slightest signs of becoming excited or frustrated. Smiles will not be tolerated. Penalty is five yards.

INELIGIBLE RECEIVER--If for any reason the team captain extends congratulations to a player other than the one who scored, whether it be by kissing, hugging or a simple wave of the hand, his team will be assessed a five-yard penalty on the following kickoff. Only the scorer may receive congratulations.

HOLDING--Although the team captain may extend his arms during congratulation, they must remain within the plane of his body. In addition, the interlocking of arms with the scorer or the grasping of his jersey or any other process which in any way inhibits the scorer's return to the bench will result in the assessment of a five-yard penalty for an infraction within the end zone and ten yards for an infraction on all other areas of the playing field.

FACE-MASKING--If any player or players attempt to conceal jubilation or congratulation by covering their faces with helmets, footballs, cheerleaders or clown make-up, they will be assessed a 15-yard penalty.

PERSONAL FOUL--If any player, after scoring a touchdown, field goal, extra point or safety, returns to the sideline and mugs for the cameraman with "Hi Mom" or any other personal statements, his team will suffer a 15-yard penalty and loss of down on its next possession. However, a player will not be penalized for "Hi Dad," since none have ever said that.

ROUGHING THE PASSER--If at any time while the team captain is attempting to shake the hand of or kiss a teammate who has just succeeded in scoring, a member of the opposing team takes offense, and as a result harms said captain during his show of jubilation, the referee will assess a penalty of 15 yards against the guilty player's team. The penalty will take effect on the first play from scrimmage after the kickoff.

ILLEGAL USE OF THE HANDS--If during the course of congratulation, the team captain and/or the scorer engage in any sort of contact which the referee determines is disgraceful, disgusting, unnatural or unmanly, the scoring team will be forced to forfeit the contest. The players will be suspended for up to five games and fined up to $5000, by determination of the league office. Children under 17 will not be allowed to view this infraction.

In a final note the board warned NFL players to remember, "It's only a game."