All in the Family

AFTER TWO WEEKS of allowing the so-called Billygate affair to flounder about in public out of control (much in the fashion of his administration), President Carter has finally taken steps to halt the onslaught of conflicting information and contradictory statements, not to mention cretinous comments from his brother, that have disheartened many already disenchanted Democrats and rallied rambunctious Republicans.

In his usual manner of meeting crises head-on, Carter retreated to the halcyon confines of Camp David last weekend to develop with his closest advisers the definitive statement on the Billygate matter....

"Now, Mr. President," said an aide, "let's go over once again the meeting you had with the attorney general during which you had a casual discussion about the investigation of Billy."

"All right, I've got my notes on the meeting right here," replied Carter, pulling a Bazooka buble gum wrapper from his pocket. "Ben was wearing green golf pants and a yellow shirt open at the neck, and I had on my jogging outfit. Ben told me I shouldn't ask him about the investigation or why he thought it was a good idea for Billy to register as a Libyan agent. So I didn't."

Another assistant suggested, "There are going to be a lot of questions about the role of your relatives in foreign policy, Mr. President."

Carter nodded and declared, "And we'll answer that I never allow family members to influence foreign policy or any decisions regarding our nation's national security interests."

As the president finished speaking, his wife Rosalynn entered the room. "Well, Jimmy, I'm off on the road to Morocco now. I just want to get this straight--I'm suppose to offer them 100 fighter planes if they'll take Billy permanently?"

"No, honey," the president replied. "They only have to take him until we trade him for the hostages in Iran."

"Okay, dear. Is there anything special you want me to tell Premier Brezhnev when I see him?"

Carter thought for a moment. "Nothing in particular. Just don't upset him the way Mama did last time she went to Moscow."

"I'll try, Jimmy. Now don't work too hard while I'm gone. By the way, if President Sadat calls for me while I'm away, take a message."

"I will, honey. Have a nice trip."

As Rosalynn left the room, Carter turned back to his aides. "That's the one thing I won't stand for--allowing inexperienced people to take part in delicate foreign policy negotiations just because they happen to be related to the president."

"Daddy, daddy," shouted Amy as she ran into the room. "I just finished my report on nuclear weapons in China."

"Good work, Amy. I hope it's as good as the one on the SALT treaty."

"It is, daddy. Look at the cover. I made it all by myself."

"Whose idea were the pretty yellow ribbons to hold it together?"

"Mommy's."

"Ahemm, Mr. President," interrupted one of the aides, "don't you think some critics may possibly consider it a bit improper to allow your daughter to prepare reports on matters of utmost national and international importance?"

The president asked Amy to leave the room and then explained. "Amy just does these things for fun. You don't think I would actually use them. I always solicit information from a variety of outside sources," Carter said, pulling two reports from his briefcase. "These on China were prepared by Marie and Tommy, two of Amy's classmates. They're rather insightful."

"Mr. President, I really think we should return to discussing your problems with Billy."

"Well, it all started when we were little. Mama always liked him better because he was younger. But I was always smarter," Carter began.

"Not those problems, Mr. President; the one regarding Libya."

Another aide interrupted, "Mr. President, I have a cable we just received from your brother."

Carter took the cable and read aloud: "Dear Jimmy, I'm running out of travelers' checks and the Libyans say they'll let me stay in the country for another week only if you promise to send over another ten F-14 fighters. Love y'all, Billy."

The president looked up from the cable, his face bright red. "Why, that's totally out of the question. Just impossible," he yelled. "Tell those Libyans it's ten F-14s in trade for a month of keeping Billy, or nothing."

"Mr. President," the first aide persisted, "the Senate and the American people are going to demand your response to your brother's behavior and an explanation of how it has influenced your decisions. You must prepare an answer."

"Just tell them Billy is a private citizen, free to do whatever he wants just like everyone else. Besides, I'm not my brother's keeper."

"I'm beginning to think it's the other way around," the aide muttered.