No Problems Here

January 9 Gov. Edward J. King, in his first major announcement since taking office, raises the state drinking age to 21, with the exception of Boston College undergraduates. "The people have spoken," King says.

12 President Bok announces the dismissals of football coach Joe Restic and chief labor negotiator Edward W. Powers, and their replacement by former Ohio State coach Wayne Woodrow "Woody the Knife" Hayes, "We firmly believe that Coach Hayes has all the qualities needed to shape up our two problem areas, which for years have been football and labor relations," Bok says. "And he's got a great right hook," the pugilistically-minded prexie adds.

17 Jonathan Moore, director of the Institute of Politics, announces that the Shah of Iran will spend his first annual mid-winter vacation by giving a non-credit seminar at the institute on "Coping With Modernization." The shah arrives in Cambridge with 43 teaching assistants who wear sun glasses and carry 44 revolvers, and immediately takes up residence in Eliot House.

24 Dr. Warren C. Wacker, director of University Health Services (UHS) discloses that unprecedented epidemics of salmonella, gastroenteritis, psoriasis, hemorrhoids, heart disease, Rocky Mountain spotted fever and malaria are gripping the upperclass Houses. "It's a difficult problem," President Bok acknowledges.

February

3 As classes begin for the new semester, a 37-inch blizzard paralyzes New England. Dean Archie C. Epps III, repeating his famous claim that "Harvard University will close only for an act of God, such as the end of the world," announces the University will remain open.

4 Four freshmen disappear in a snowdrift outside Weld Hall, prompting Gov. Edward J. King to send in 1200 storm-troopers to close the University. "The people have spoken," King mumbles. "It's a difficult problem" President Bok admits.

15 The Term Bill Office in Holyoke Center announces that the families of the four unfortunate freshmen trapped in the 18-foot Weld snowdrift will still have to pay tuition for the spring semester. "I mean, they're in residence, aren't they?" an anonymous bill officer says. Deam Epps, after conferring with outgoing Divinity School Dean Krister Stendahl, admits that the storm may well have been divinely inspired.

March

8 Pope John Paul II dies during a skiing accident in the Swiss Alps, when he falls over his white cassock and tumbles 13,000 feet down the side of the Matterhorn. In Rome, Jean Cardinal Villot, cardinal camerlengo, assumes control of the Catholic Church for the third time in six months. "Practice makes perfect," the churchman is reported to comment in Latin.

19 MacDonald's, Inc., announces that it will expand its operations into mainland China at the beginning of April. Ray Kroc, the owner of the chain, reveals that in keeping "with the organization's tradition of offering regional specialties," the Chinese outlets will begin serving Egg McRolls and Big Maos.

28 Saul L. Chafin, chief of University police, announces that the Harvard police force will have new uniforms starting April 1. Chafin says he has arranged to rent the uniforms used by Richard Nixon's guards for a brief period in 1973. "We picked them up for a song," Chafin says, "and I never liked baby blue anyway." The Richard Nixon Library, which has been keeping the neonapoleonic uniforms in mothballs, refuses to disclose the price.

April

6 Former President Richard M. Nixon arrives on campus at the invitation of the Harvard Republican Club, for a speech in Sanders Theater. Saul L. Chafin, commandant of University police, reports that his appropriately-dressed crew made no special preparations for the Nixon visit. Afterward Nixon attends a special picnic lunch in Radcliffe Quad. "We would have had him at the Faculty Club, but we've got a lot of expensive silverware in there." President Horner notes.

23 University police rescue four freshmen from a melting snow-drift outside Weld Hall. "Damnedest thing I ever saw," reports Henry C. Moses, dean of freshmen, who then informs the freshmen that they can have until May to take their make-up midterms.

May

3 The Yale Daily News reports that Yale President A. Bartlett Giamatti agreed to trade the Yale Repertory Company to Harvard for Government Professor Samuel P. Huntington, $250,000 in cash, and the Morton Prince House, currently on casters. "Harvard wanted a first-rate drama school, and we were strapped for cash. Huntington was a last-minute throw-in," Giamatti explains.

8 President Bok's office announces that Ugandan President Idi Amin Dada will be this year's Commencement speaker. "We know we'll take a lot of heat for this," an unnamed Corporation official states, "but Idi was the only black African leader we could get to defend our investments policy."

9 Arnold "Red" Auerbach, general manager of the Boston Celtics, dismisses player-coach Dave Cowens, after the team fails to make the NBA playoffs for the second straight year. Auerbach confirms rumors that the team would like to replace Cowens with Harvard football czar and employee relations expert Wayne Woodrow "Icepick Woody" Hayes. "I mean with Kermit Washington gone we need someone with a good right hook," Auerbach says, between puffs of his cigar.

25 The entire faculty of the Kennedy School of Government submits a petition to President Bok calling for the renaming of the Engelhard Library. In an early morning press conference, Bok says, "It's a difficult issue that should be given careful consideration and open, reasoned debate. In fairness to both sides, we should consider all aspects of the controversy, and allow all opinions to be aired. As reasonable men, we cannot be rushed into any decision. Yep, it's a difficult problem." Daniel Steiner '54, Bok's interpreter, translates this statement as "No."

June

4 China watchers in Peking say that wall posters there seem to indicate a further liberalization of attitudes toward the West. One poster depicts a cadre of rice growers singing. "You deserve a break today," in an apparent shift from the past party line.

6 Class Day Speaker Jerry van Dyke urges graduating members of the Class of '79 "do whatever you want to do as long you don't lose your sense of humor." Van Dyke--a last-minute stand-in for Leon Spinks, who misses the ceremony because of what his manager calls "transportational and chemical difficulties"--tells the Class the "I'm so hungry, I haven't had a bite in weeks." He is rushed to Stillman Infirmary after being bitten by Dean Rosovsky.

7 President Bok confers honorary degrees at Commencement on Harold Robbins, John Belushi, Halston, Dennis Kucinich, Cheryl Tiegs, Julius Erving, Erica Jong, John Wayne Gacy, Amy Carter and the Bee Gees. The Corporation also reportedly offers degrees to the Rev. Jim Jones and former President Harry S Truman, who decline to attend the ceremony.

30 President Carter cancels meetings with Congressional leaders and Secretary of State Cyrus Vance because of a renewed flare-up of hemorrhoids. "Seems the little buggers have been born again," Press Secretary Jody Powell explains.

July

1 The Summer School opens with its largest student body ever. Michael Shinagel, director of the Summer School, reveals that 74 per cent of the enrollees have yet to attain puberty. "Welcome to Camp Harvard," Shinagel grins.

8 In a surprise move, the Sacred College of Cardinals concludes the lengthiest conclave of this century by naming Rev. Peter J. Gomes, minister in Memorial Church, as the 265th pontiff. Gomes, the first black, non-Catholic Pope in recent memory, moves to demonstrate his fidelity to the developments in the Church in the past 105 years, and choose the name Leo Pius Benedict Pius Pius John Paul John Paul John Paul I, after his nine immediate predecessors.

21 Adm. Stansfield Turner, director of Central Intelligence, discloses that since 1954 the Harvard Government Department has been funded entirely by his agency. In what Turner calls a move toward "a newer, friendlier spy network," Dean Rosovsky announces that three Government chairs will be renamed National Security Professorships of Government. "This simply reaffirms our longstanding philosophy," says Department Chairman Sidney P. Verba '53, donning mirrored sunglasses.

August

4 The John F. Kennedy School of Government receives a manila envelope containing $4 million in deutschmarks and a hand-lettered note signed by "a bunch of crazy, swinging Argentinian guys." The note asks the school to accept the donation and build a Joseph Goebells Memorial Speech-Writing Library. The school accepts the money. Dean Ira Jackson explains. "If we reject this money, we might offend other potential donors. Right?"

6 Harold L. Goyette, director of the University Planning Office, discloses that Holyoke Center, built in 1965, will have to be abandoned over the summer, due to rusting steel fins that threaten to collapse any day. "Oops," Goyette says.

16 California Gov. Edmund G. Brown Jr. says he will wed singer Linda Ronstadt in September Three days later, the entire state breaks away from the rest of the country and sinks into the Pacific Ocean. The Los Angeles Dodgers immediately announce the signing of submarine pitcher Ted Abernathy.

September

9 Alan Heimert, master of Eliot House, tells residents of that House that he has restricted access to their dining hall to only blonde-haired males carrying squash racquets. The chairman of the Eliot House Committee explains that the action has been taken for the protection of the vacationing Reza Pahlevi. Heimert declines to confirm or deny the explanation.

15 The BostonRed Sox, in an austerity move, trade sluggers Carlton Fisk. Fred Lynn and Dwight Evans, along with their entire starting pitching staff, to the Montreal Expos for utility infielder Coco LaBoy and an organist to be named later. Managing general partner Haywood Sullivan denies that the players were traded because of any personality disputes. Gov. Edward J. King retaliates by sending in 2500 storm troopers to "desensitize" the area around Fenway Park, and raises the drinking age in the area to 57. "The people have spoken, and they're ripshit," King says.

22 Famed Cambridge restauranteur Thomas Stefanian reveals a stunning set of price increases at his Mt. Auburn St. luncheonette, which includes 40 per cent across-the-board hikes on all grill foods. "I had to keep up with OPEC," Stefanian says, inadvertently revealing the secret of his tasty subs.

30 Quincy House disappears during a rainstorm. The unmolested House is found in a wooded area near Waltham several days later. "I thought I told those guys on the sixth floor to stop partying so hard on Wednesday nights," Master Charles Dunn says.

October

7 In a move of unprecedented boldness, the Student Assembly issues a blanket endorsement of "student fun." The legislation, the first to pass the fledgling government, calls on the University to "recognize the students' inalienable right to fun," and demands that the Committee on Houses and Undergraduate Life form a subcommittee to study the fun problem. President Bok, reached in the Bahamas, where he is vacationing with his family, admits "It's a difficult problem."

16 The Harvard Business School reveals that unnamed sources have donated $1 million to establish the Watergate Chair of Creative Banking and that Maurice C. Stans will fill the chair for the next academic year. The source of the donation is traced to a small general store near San Diego.

24 Robert S. Brustein says he will not come to Harvard unit the spring of 1986, and that he will not take over the Loeb until "people start acting like they love me more." Labor czar Wayne Woodrow "Killer Woody" Hayes replies that he will appeal to the National Labor Relations Board to void the "adoration clause" in Brustein's contract.

November

5 The Advisory Committee on Shareholder Responsibility, upon completion of one-year, case-by-case investigation of Harvard's holdings in South Africa, announces in its report that "the white minority regime in South Africa is composed mainly of very nasty people," but declines to urge any specific divestitures. President Bok hails the report as a sensitive treatment of what he calls a "difficult problem."

20 Harvard football coach and labor relations czar Wayne Woodrow "One-Punch Woody" Hayes resigns. Hayes denies that either the football team's 47-3 loss to Yale, or the simultaneous strikes staged by dining hall workers, printers, Building and Grounds custodians and University police had anything to do with his departure. "I've had plenty of other offers," he growls.

23 Dean Rosovsky, in an interview in People magazine, amplifies on his decision last year to reject the proferred presidencies of Yale and the University of Chicago. "Those other schools are nice," he says, "but Harvard is mine. Kind of an investment for the kids, you know--the mortgage is sort of high, but in 417 years it'll all be paid off." President Bok, apprised of Rosovsky's remarks, admits that "It's a difficult problem."

December

4 Doubleday Corporation discloses that it has signed a contract with John LeBoutellier '76 for his new tell-all book about the liberal establishment and its perverse dining habits, tentatively titled Harvard Hates Asparagus.

9 Gov. Edward J. King, acting in the advice of U.S. Atty. Gen--designate Wayne Woodrow "Hang 'Em High" Hayes, withdraws the last of the state troops who had closed the University in February, but raises the state drinking age in the Square 67 as a "stabilizing measure." "The people," he warns University officials, "are still speaking."

31 A cashiers check for $2 million is deposited in the Yard by a luminous, cigar-shaped object that swallows four University policemen before taking off from the top of Grays Hall. Accompanying the check is a note asking the Law School to establish a Remulac Library of Extra-Terrestrial Studies. Dean Albert M. Sacks announces that the Law School will accept the donation, "for fear of offending future donors, and their android assistants." President Bok, quivering noticeably, says, "Problem? What problem? No, no problem at all around here. What makes you think we've got a problem?