Gimmick The Game?

Home-stretch time, gang. This is the end of column season ("Yippee!" says the president of the Francis Rosa Fan Club) and my desk must be cleaned out before I'm able to hitch a ride on the next zamboni toward the new hockey campaign.

First, though, a word about the upcoming Harvard-Yale game this Saturday. The word is "trouble." Here we are, the 75th anniversary of Harvard Stadium, the tenth anniversary of the fabled 29-29 tie, and the first time no league championship has been at stake for Harvard or Yale since 1971, when Bob Blackman was doing his Bud Wilkinson imitation at Dartmouth.

Oh, Yale does have a shot at tying for the title, provided the Big Green lose to Princeton, which is about as likely as a draw play to Bill Weld.

So now what is Harvard to do? You don't have to be a master of logic to know that The Game isn't The Game just because it was The Game in 1974 or was unequivocably THE GAME in 1968. How can any of us justify the carnival atmosphere typical of Harvard-Yale when we all know that the circus left town in the dark aftermath of the 31-30 loss against Brown two weeks ago?

A gimmick. All you need is a gimmick to give the Harvard-Yale game its annual place of ambiguity in college football lore. Not an issue (though a bunch of clench-fisted students shouting "Harvard Out Now" when the Crimson is fourth and ten at its own one yard line might be interesting). Not even a diversion (A. Bartlett Giamatti stricken with salmonella poisoning in the third quarter? Nah, too messy).

A gimmick it is. Why should the band be the only entertainment? Let's make the whole thing sophisticated humor in shoulder pads. Theater of the Absurd in an unquestionable ancient setting. It all starts with one phone call....

"Hello, Carm? Carm baby, it's me, Joe. Joe Restic. C'mon, you know, Have Shotgun Will Travel?

"What's that? Travel 15 yards for illegal motion? Hey, that's not funny, Carm, especially when I'm paying for the call. And listen, I also found out about those referees you hired to do our game at Princeton. You know you've got a warped sense of humor, fella.

Listen Carm, I want to talk to you about this week's game between us. Could you turn down the T.V. first, please? What's that? It's not the television, it's game films of my team? Sounds like "Romper Room" to me. What's that? Hey Carm, that analogy is really uncalled for!

Get serious, will you? Like I was saying, I was in my office today and I realized that neither of us had a real chance for the title this year. So first I thought about asking you for eleven points from your 21-0 win over Brown so I could add them to our schedule and give us an undefeated season and at least a tie for the title. But that's not fair to you. Besides, you've given Harvard so many points over the years it would be greedy to ask for any more. Hah hah, got you there, Coz.

Seriously, then I came up with this brainstorm. Why not replay the 29-29 tie? I've got the game film hidden under my bed and after all, the darn thing was so long ago, who would be the wiser?

I'll tell my defense to take it easy for the first three quarters and you can go up 22-6 [I'll bribe Bosnic into missing an extra point]. Then we'll exchange touch-downs and I'll take out Larry Brown and put in one of my reserve quarterbacks. Someone with a name people can remember. Ah, George Hodakowski!

Anyway, Hodakowski comes in with 42 seconds left. He hits John MacLeod for one touchdown and Matt Granger goes in for the two points. Then we successfully onsides kick the ball, recover it, and drive forty yards before Hodakowski catches a touchdown pass after pitching the ball to Ralph Polillio. That's not really the way it happened, I just thought I'd add a little multiflex to liven things up.

Finally, Dave Kinney grabs a pass in the endzone with no time remaining for the two-point conversion to tie it and everyone goes crazy, completely forgetting about the kinds of seasons we both had this fall.

Well, that's it. What do you think, Carm? Hey stop laughing, I'm serious.

What? Who's chicken? Okay, wise guy, you asked for it! Just make sure your girdiron retards in New Haven bring their hankies because nobody calls Joe Restic a chicken and gets away with it! Later, loser!"

Come to think of it, who needs a gimmick anyway? There's always something at stake, and The Game's crazy tradition could very well dictate a spectacular finale on Saturday.