Crystal Ball Out of Hock

I have absolutely no business writing the weekly football prediction column. The fact is that I've been pressed into service because Crimson Sports Editor John Donley, who normally pens this piece, is out on an investigative reporting assignment, trying to track down the nine points which separate Harvard from an undefeated season.

A lot of less than complimentary things have been said about my prediction percentage this fall. Rumor has it that Ed King didn't start writing his acceptance speech until he found out that I had voted for Hatch. The ascotted wonders at NBC called me last week to find out which new shows I liked so they could cancel them.

And worst of all, I've lost soooooo much money betting that I have to list my bookie as a dependent come April 15.

As of right now my plans are to hang in there for the next two weeks and hopefully finish the season with a percentage somewhere in the neighborhood of Ed Spezio's lifetime batting average.

I don't think that it's too difficult to augur Harvard's fate tomorrow. Outcome-wise, things just cannot get any worse for the Crimson, which has been strangely stripped of victories against Princeton and Brown over the past two weeks.

But if you've been around here longer than four years and know that John Yovicsn was not U.S. ambassador to Israel, you might finally be able to understand the formula behind any Harvard football season:

1) You play your good games against Dartmouth, Penn, and (usually) Columbia.

2) You play your weird games against Cornell, Princeton, and Brown.

3) You play your finest games against Yale.

Keeping this in mind, I now turn to Exhibit A, an anonymous letter with a Philadelphia postmark that reached the Sports Cube today. It read simply:

Dear Crimson:

We've heard all about Larry Brown and his game against us last year. We think it would be wise if you informed him that we play on astroturf at Penn, which, if he plays on Saturday, will undoubtedly ruin his knees and cost him a lucrative baseball career.

Should Mr. Brown forego our warning and suit up for the game, we will turn to our second plan, that being a ransom note for Joe Restic, Jr., who we have locked in a room with Lindsey Nelson.

Brown was indeed nothing short of awesome in the Penn game last autumn. The Norwood rifle was 15 for 22 for 349 yards passing, and set a single game total offense record with 375 total yards. He also tossed for three touchdowns in the 34-15 triumph over the Quakers.

Brown tuned up for what everyone hopes will be a repeat performance with a spectacular (16 for 29, 260 yards, 2 touchdowns) showing against Brown last week. And though he does not have the likes of Jim Curry or Larry Hobdy as targets this year, wideouts John Macleod and Rich Horner have been unquestionably more dependable, though less flamboyant.

Things have just got to get better, my friends.

HARVARD at PENN--No Gary Bosnic field goal, no bad refereeing, a beautiful day, and the first Harvard rout of the season. Note: I also voted for Ed Brooke. HARVARD 28, PENN 7.

DARTMOUTH at BROWN--No question, the biggest game in the Ivies, with the winner being assured of at least a tie for the title. A battle of offenses, with Mark Whipple edging out Buddy Teevens as he did Larry Brown last week. BROWN 35, DARTMOUTH 33.

YALE at PRINCETON--Carmen Cozza tries to salvage a Zonker Harris-type of season. YALE 31, PRINCETON 14.

CORNELL at COLUMBIA--These are the games of which dismal percentages are made. CORNELL 5, COLUMBIA 4 (Joe Holland homer in the ninth.)