Green With Envy

"It's hard trying to justify spending four years of your life in a cow pasture." --Michael K. Savit, Oct. 1976

Yeah, Mike, you're right--it is hard. And I took this concept into consideration before I started writing my annual Dartmouth column.

I thought to myself, why should I be so ruthless on the Dartmouth people? Why should I call them farmers just because the zip code of Hanover, N.H. is FIEIO? Why should I criticize their high school addiction to beer? Why should I harp on their school's incredible inferiority complex towards Harvard, Yale, New York, the Bronx, and Staten Island too? Why should I snicker about the school's female population, which, not counting the women who work in the dining hall, has yet to reach three figures? Why should I dwell on the fact that their football team suffers from manic depression when the Harvard game comes around?

And then, I thought to myself, why not?

Grapes [and various other crops] of wrath: Dartmouth people seem most incensed about the fact that the school is constantly being referred to as "out in the sticks."

That's putting it mildly. What can you say about a school where the first three letters of the alphabet they learn are "R.F.D."? And athletically, I don't know of any other institution in the country where a four-letter man is considered inferior to a 4-H man.

Age-old riddle: Why must every Dartmouth student keep cow manure in his back pocket?

Age-old answer: For identification.

New Answer: It won't fit in their flannel shirt pocket.

And while we're at it, did you ever wonder why Harvard is always playing Dartmouth at the Stadium instead of in Hanover? The answer is simple. The football field lies fallow once every six years.

Hops, skip, and a boot: There's really not much to say. Reports have been published that rank the town of Hanover as the third largest consumer of Anheuser-Busch products in the country. I believe the top two are the Vicksburg, Miss., Chamber of Commerce and Joe Cocker.

And Dartmouth people wonder why the State of New Hampshire supplies air sickness bags to tourists driving past the school's outhouses.

The Inferiority Complex [Urban Bliss]: Rumor has it at the Harvard-Dartmouth game in Hanover two years ago there was an L.L. Bean vendor in the stands.

And how about Dartmouth's new "multi-flannel" offense this year? The starting eleven come out in flannel shirts and hats with those Floyd R. Turbo earflaps. The other team thinks it's the ground crew working on the field, and returns to the locker room. Dartmouth then wins the game by forfeit.

After the team's last home win, enthusiastic Dartmouth fans tried to rip down the goalposts. That's kind of tough when your goalposts are two silos with a plank in between.

Age-old Dartmouth joke: Did you hear about the John that challenged the Dartmouth man to a drinking contest. "Wait a minute," the Harvard man said, "I'll go get a six pack."

The real story: "Hey let's have a drinking contest," the Harvard man says.

"Why not, my whole life has been a drinking contest. I don't know how to do anything else. My life is a waste. I have to spend my summer vacation returning my empties. No sense doing anything about it now, it's too late to transfer to Harvard anyway. Yeah, okay, I'll have a drinking contest with you."

"Good," answers the Harvard man, "I'll go get a six pack."

Hey, but the foliage is beautiful up there this time of year.