The Amazing 'Doctor K'

Henry Kissinger is tough to take before breakfast. Not surprising, really: bad news is most unsettling to an empty stomach, and, as millions of Americans will likely agree, Henry Kissinger is bad news. That's undoubtedly why so many millions of Americans, myself included, will read only the sports page before breakfast. Without Henry, the scrambled eggs sit so much more easily. And everybody knows that Henry never pops up on the sports page.

Until recently, that is. Last week, right between the orange juice and the Mather House yolkless specials, just as I was mulling over Ernie Roberts's latest bit of culinary trivia ("Don Zimmer's favorite breakfast: Rustoleum and a large portion of crow"), I turned the page and there they were. Right next to the boxscores. Henry and a soccer ball.

Breakfast was already a losing proposition, so I read on. Henry, it seemed, had genuinely found a place for himself in the American Sporting life: with the North American Soccer League (NASL) casting around for a Big Name to sit in its front office, the former Secretary of State was the perfect choice to become its chairman of the board. Henry had all the credentials of your typical American sportsman: a Ph.D. in Government from Harvard, several books on the history and theory of international relations, a Nobel Peace Prize and a startling resemblance to a clean-shaven John Belushi. Besides, as "Dr. K" told the press last week, he has always enjoyed soccer.

No one is quite sure what Henry's entrance will do for American sports. League officials are reportedly preparing for a new era of "shuttle contract negotiations," but it's still unclear whether the pudgy diplomat will have much effect on soaring player contracts' (Henry has reportedly told NASL team owners that, "Lower salaries are at hand."). Sources in Washington, however, note that high positions in the NASL have often been viewed as stepping-stones to the U.S. Senate (admittedly only by people with extremely poor eyesight), and speculate that Henry might be trying to shore up his American sportsman image before challenging New York Sen. Jacob Javits (a jai-alai player and sky diver of little note). More on the mark, though, are those who note that along with Henry's non-paying new job came several options to buy into NASL franchises, which are among the fastest-growing investments in the country. Henry is a good sport and a sharp guy.

Perhaps the most significant effect of Henry's move, though, could be the entrance onto the sporting scene of several former Washington stars. Taking their cue from "The Ron LeFlore Story," former Nixon administration officials could bound from the jail cells to take over the heights of the sporting world. Scrupulous H.R. Haldeman would be the logical choice to take over the Pirates, heavyweight John Mitchell might find a home in the world of high-class professional wrestling, and sentimental Charles Colson, who once vowed that he would walk over his own grandmother if the need arose, could try his hand managing the New York Mets, whose quality of play often evokes grandmotherly epithets. The possibilities are, unfortunately, almost limitless.

No matter what happens, though, one thing seems certain. With Henry and his friends around, breakfast will never be the same again.