Pipe Dreams

January

Sources close to the Amherst College Presidential search committee report that Dean Henry Rosovsky has been offered the college's Presidency. Rosovsky declines comment. Two days later, Reginald Arnold Benedict IV, the had of the search committee, announces that "Henry Rosovsky will not be the next president of Amherst." Sources close to the search committee announce that Rosovsky said he could not abandon his review of undergraduate education "at this time."

Frank J. Weissbecker, director of University Food Services, announces that more soybeans will be gradually introduced into undergraduate meals. The "Soybeanization" program will initially concentrate on two of the three beans in Three Bean Salad and may eventually extend to Lime Sherbet, says the jubilant master chef.

In a move viewed as a partial concession to the powerful and militant Mather House Student Breakfast Lobby, Dean Fox irons a new wrinkle into the breakfast austerity game: cold breakfasts... in bed. The resurrected Harvard Enquirer runs a feature story on the so-called "wet blanket" plan, querying: "Is Dean Fox the New Marie Antionette?"

In an effort to demonstrate graphically the potential hazards of recombinant DNA research at Harvard, Cambridge Mayor Alfred E. Vellucci challenges a giant, 400-1b. recombinant clam to a wrestling match over a giant vat of linguini, "I'll come away with enough clam sauce for 100 campaigns," he avers. The clam wins, however, and eats the linguini with sauce marinara. Vellucci retires to Taormina, Sicily, to recuperate.

Chilean Generalissimo Augusto Pinochet reports that his junta has received an overwhelming vote of confidence. Says the Generalissimo. "Once we discounted invalid ballots cast by communists, anarchists, rebels, homosexuals, and the criminally insane, the vote of confidence was unanimous." Two million Chileans cannot be reached for comment.

In his annual State of the Union message, President Jimmy Carter says that while he is somewhat disappointed that his administration failed in most of its major initiatives, he considers his first year in office to have been very successful. He notes that he has failed either to balance the budget or to reduce unemployment significantly, and anticipates further such progress during the next three years.

At its January meeting, the Harvard Phi Beta Kappa chapter joins other campus groups in asking Harvard to divest its holdings in banks lending money to the South African government. President Bok declines comment.

February

The Administrative Board is forced to hold special "Double Sessions" and Saturday meetings when an anonymous tipster reveals that virtually the entire staff of the Harvard Independent--"Cambridge's only dinner table weekly"--have at one time or another served as KCIA agents. It is further alleged that many attempted to undermine the American governmental system by "packing" Gov 30 lectures and later taking James Q. Wilson, Shattuck Professor of Government, to lunch.

Sources close to the Cambridge City Council announce that Dean Henry Rosovsky "will not be the next mayor of Cambridge" because he does not feel he can abandon his review of undergraduate education "at this time." In a rare show of solidarity, the council unanimously selects the giant recombinant clam as the new mayor, after the clam promises to continue former Mayor Vellucci's practices of "keeping Harvard on its toes," "swing voting, and pastadigition.

John T. Bethell '53, editor of Harvard Magazine, announces that he was the one who "lost the religion that Larry Flynt found." Bethell says his first mission will be to "sex up" his floundering publication, but denies that his first project will be a "scratch 'n sniff" centerfold of Nathan Glazer.

March

Harvard announces that it has just signed a two-year, $2 million, no-cut contract with the Iranian government to develop and promote a giant amusement park complex outside Tehran. Chief Planner Harold Goyette calls the deal "an exciting prospect," adding that he has no reservations about being under contract to the repressive Iranian regime. "The kids will enjoy riding the roller coaster and the log flume. This will tend to 'open up' the regime, I think. I have no problem with any sort of torture in this case, save that bore of riding on substandard log flumes or roller coasters."

Sherman Holcombe, once-suspended Shop Steward of the Radcliffe Dining Halls, comes out of self-imposed retirement to release his autobiography, entitled Pimento. It is co-authored by Lillian Hellman, who claims that "like me, Sherman was the victim of a witch-hunt." Holcombe shakes up the press conference by telling Hellman to "speak for yourself."

Dean Henry Rosovsky turns down the presidencies of Dartmouth, Brown, Columbia and Penn. He is quoted as saying he felt he could not abandon his review of undergraduate education "at this time."

Frank J. Weissbecker, director of University Food Services, says that the early stages of his "Soybeanization" program have been successful and announces plans gradually to replace "most other foods--except Coke" served by the University Food Service.

Collegium Musicum and the Glee Club join Phi Beta Kappa and other campus groups in asking Harvard to divest its shares in banks lending money to the South African government. President Bok says, "It's a very complex question."

April

After several months of fruitless pleading with the Carter administration and Congress for an extension of emergency aid to New York City, Mayor Edward I. Koch announces the acquisition of "five or six neutron bombs." Comments Koch: "I have nothing against Washington itself, you understand, it's just some of the people there..."

Under the two-year-old, highly-touted sex-blind admissions policy, Harvard admits 1200 prepubescent teenagers and 400 transvestites. Explains William Fitzsimmons: "We sought the most sexually ambiguous students we could find." Radcliffe President Matina Horner declines comment.

The Office of the Arts announces that among its selections for "Learning From" performers will be Claudine Longet, Johnny Rotten, Neil Diamond, John Davidson, and Guy Lombardo's brother.

Dean Henry Rosovsky turns down the presidencies of Chicago, Tufts, B.U., Stanford and Duke, citing a commitment to his study of reform proposals for undergraduate education.

May

Among the top straw-poll choices for Commencement Speaker: 1) The Shah of Iran; 2) Liza Minelli; 3) Neil Armstrong; 4) Pope Paul; 5) Sherman Holcombe; 6) Halston; 7)KAL; 8) Elvis Costello.

In a surprise shift, Frank J. Weissbecker is appointed chief of the Harvard Police, replacing William Lee, who says he plans to devote himself full-time to "keeping my pitching arm in shape." Best-selling author Sherman Holcombe is appointed acting director of University Food Services.

Responding to continued and escalating student complaints about the absence of hot breakfasts, Dean Fox announces that next year hot breakfasts will once again be served in all House Dining Halls. He adds that this will necessitate the serving of "tepid" lunches and dinners. During the night, someone erects a guillotine with Fox' name on it in front of University Hall.

Dean Henry Rosovsky turns down the presidencies of Brandeis, the Jewish Theological Seminary, and Temple University.

The football team joins the Glee Club, Collegium and other campus groups in asking Harvard to divest its shares in banks lending money to South Africa. "But money is the only lever we have," argues Harvard treasurer George Putnam.

June

Harvard Police Chief Frank J. Weissbecker announces the introduction of a "Police Soybeanization Program." In his first directive, the new top cop announces that all police handguns will be modified to fire .38-caliber soybeans.

1600-odd seniors graduate from Harvard College, trampling and tearing up the carefully and expensively manicured lawns of Harvard Yard in the process. In his Commencement Address, Freddie Laker comments, "The line for the airbus forms right behind the Phi Beta Kappa procession." Honorary degrees are awarded to John Travolta, Nona Hendryx, Alex Haley, Jann Wenner, Larry Flynt, and Jack Ford. The highlight of the ceremony is a stand-off duel between the clam serving as Mayor of Cambridge and the "rootless" Yale Bladderball.

July

Summer school enrollment soars to 20,000. Administrators attribute the dramatic increase to Harvard's reputation and quality of instruction. Other observers, however, suggest the increase is due to the increased admission of high school students struggling to get into the college and to a surge of interest in Ukranian studies.

August

President Derek Bok announces a clambake for Cambridge senior citizens in Harvard Yard. The Mayor of Cambridge says he is "not amused" and announces the formation of a "clamshell alliance" in response to Bok's announcement.

September

James C. Thompson, curator of the Nieman Fellows, announces the selection of this year's fellowship recipients. The winners include William Colby. Richard Helms, Jason Robards, John Travolta, Chuck Barris, KAL, Peter Marshall, Paul (Secret Square) Lynde, and Buffalo Bob Smith.

In the wake of recent articles decrying the shortage of forensic pathologists in America, a survey of the freshman class reveals that 90 per cent are both pre-med and pre-law.

October

Harvard Dean Henry Rosovsky turns down the directorship of Romper Room, citing his commitment to the reform of undergraduate education at Harvard "at this time." The toddlers do not seem very disappointed, however; as one observes, "We can always go with James Q. Wilson."

The Faculty votes to restrict enrollment in the Economics, Biology, Biochemistry, Government, and English Departments to 15. Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield '53 praises the move, adding. "Maybe they'll do something about grade inflation."

November

Harvard Medical School researchers announce they have discovered that President Bok is immortal. Bok promptly signs an iron-clad, 90-year contract with the Harvard Corporation. Informed of the moaning noises emanating from University Hall, Bok sneers, "Let Hank put this in his pipe and smoke it."

The South African government defaults on its loans, producing a financial crash on Wall Street. David Rockefeller is caught trying to smuggle 20,000 krugerrands through customs on his way to the Bahamas.

December

In the wake of the South African government's bankruptcy, the Harvard Corporation agrees to divest its stock in banks doing business with the now-defunct regime. A member of the Harvard-Radcliffe South African Solidarity Committee comments: "Shows what students can do when they organize."

Dean Rosovsky announces that he is leaving Harvard to assume the presidency of the Hebrew University in Jeruselem. Reached for comment, he says, "I'm sick of that undergraduate education dreck. Let Derek deal with it."

Despite repeated warnings from the Cambridge Experiment Review Board (CERB), a team of Harvard biologists presses on with what it calls "ground-breaking" experiments using even more obscure strains of E. coli recombinant DNA. At 11:30 on December 31, the head of the research team announces that "a cancer cure may be only fifteen minutes away." At midnight, he turns into a pumpkin.

And how was your year?