Bursarmania

Put this one in your pipe and smoke it: And then there's the one about the guy who, strapped for cash, wanted to get home to New York in a hurry. Let's call him "Steve." (His real name was "Stephen," but he'll kill me if I print it.) So Steve (I'll just call him "S.", strapped for cash, wants to get to New York in a hurry. So what does he do? (Background--he has no money in the bank, and he has no credit cards.) So he goes to Logan Airport, gets on the four o'clock shuttle, and sits down (you've got to sit on the shuttle--no standees). The stewardess eventually comes down the aisle, taking cash, checks, and credit cards from everybody. S. has a brainstorm. He gives the stewardess his Bursars card, and says, "Charge it." (Do you think I'm making this up? Well, I'm not.) "Charge it,'; he says. So what does the stewardess do? (Answer later.)

Flash: Crimson Obtains Interview With Bursar:

Crimson: So you're the Bursar, eh?

Bursar: The Nets really started going downhill when they traded away Doctor J...

Crimson: Can you tell us a little about the origin of Bursars cards?

Bursar: Being a Bursar isn't the piece of cake most people think it is...

Crimson: Thank you for your time.

Bursar: You should also carry an American Express card with you, you know...

Free Lunch Program: Here's the deal. You register, right? You get your Bursars card. It doesn't have your picture on it, right? So you go down to Central Square, hang out for a while, and all of a sudden a guy comes up to you, asks you if you've got a dime for a cup of coffee. No, you tell him, but you've got the next best thing. How would he like to eat in the Harvard dining halls for the rest of the year for just 20 dollars? It's a deal! he says. He lays the 20 on you. You hustle back to Holyoke Center in time to pick up your new bursars car for just 10 bucks, and then it's back to Central. (This time, you can afford to take the subway.) With just ten such Bursars card turnovers each week, you'll be bringing in a cool hundred at least, and eating STEAK at the Voyagers. And you'll be doing a good turn for people who often can't afford to eat at all. If they start asking questions at Holyoke Center, tell 'em to mind their own business. After all, whose idea were these new cards, anyway? And besides, people are starving in Central Square...

Surveillance

Hey kids, listen!!! Now, only you, me, and the guys who drafted that Harvard-CIA contract are gonna know this--you know those magnetic strips on the back of your Bursars cards? Well, listen really closely to them sometime. (Not in a room where there are Russians or Rice Krispies--interferenceville, man...) Anyway, you year what I hear? Blip, Blip, Blip!!! A master computer is keeping tabs on us! Have you ever gotten off on the seventh floor of Holyoke Center? I thought not!! Y'see, that's where they keep the damn computer that watches us--Blip! Blip! Blip! It sees us when we're sleeping! It knows when we're awake! I can't take this anymore! I'll never go into the Cafe Pamplona again! Rub them off!!! Rub them off before it's too late! Did anybody ever deny you access to a dining hall, a library, a reserve book, or a Yo-Yo Ma recital because you didn't have a magnetic strip on the back of your Bursars card? Are you beginning to see what I'm talking about? Rub them off!!!!!!!!!!!

Answers to previous riddles:

1. She pushed him off the plane.

2. Elizabeth Taylor.

3. It depends on whether or not you're talking about fixed or floating exchange rates.

4. Maurice Chevalier the first time, Albert Einstein the second time, and the award was never given again. P.S.: the flash point for "Valid for Board" Bursars cards is 312 degrees F., for those of you who want to be a hit at parties by burning them, since there aren't draft cards and all...

Bursars Card Humor: So these two Bursars cards are walking down the street, right? And one turns to the other and says:

(Answer later).

A List of Boston Area Stores Honoring Bursars Cards for Big Discounts:

1. Brands Mart.

Bursars Card Saves the Day:

A group of freshmen were locked out of Weld, so they used a Bursars card to open the lock from the outside.

Bursars Card Hijinx: You can't eat interhouse without a Bursars card.

The Evolution of the Pictureless Bursars Card:

"There is basically one function for which the Bursars card was originally designed," a friend of ours who ought to know tells us. "And that is to afford each student in the University the opportunity to have a positive form of identification with which to gain access to University libraries, charge books therefrom, and, if the student is on board contract, to eat in the University dining halls. That is the reason why, you will note, we have chosen to draw a formal distinction between the "Bursars cards" available at Harvard, and the "Student Identification" cards routinely available elsewhere. It's not just another Harvard quirk, as you can now plainly see--you know, like a calling the Coop the Coupe instead of the Co-op, or Quincy Kwinnzeee--it's an important thing, grounded in important considerations of this and that." Quite frankly we can't disagree.

Speaking of Rubbing...

Travel with me now, down a little lower on the back of your Bursars card, yes, the sacroiliac region--where the signature is. Start rubbing. Rub hard!!! Harder!!! That's it... You see it? What's the opposite of "firmament," in the biblical sense? You got it--VOID. All over where your signature used to be. VOIDVOIDVOIDVOIDVOIDVOID etc. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Everybody should rub their signatures off their Bursars cards, and see how long it takes for anybody to notice. A couple of years, I bet. And by then you'll almost be out of Law School already. In hoc bursars card vinces,   --Richard S.W.