Who's Kidding?

"YOU KNOW," a Dartmouth undergrad told me last night, "you guys are gonna get whipped. You guys are lousy. You guys think you're so cool 'cuz you go to school in a big city and you think the name Harvard is a big deal, but you know what, it's not, and you guys are gonna get whipped.

"I mean just who the hell do you guys think you are? You're just a bunch of egg-headed idiots who couldn't cut a tree down if you tried. You guys probably have to go to a gas station when you car's broken, you're so uncoordinated. You guys need a course in life.

"The funny thing is you guys think you're really big city slickers, but up in Hanover, we know how to deal with guys like you. We'd just take you and throw you some place in the woods and then we'd see if you came home for dinner.

"And If you did, we'd see what kind of men they make down here in Cambridge. We'd have a little drinking contest, and the first guy to pass out loses. We got enough beer up north to fill all the mouths in Massachusetts, and believe me, those mouths are big ones and it's not because of what they drink.

"As for the game, you guys ain't got a chance. You're just a bunch of wimps, that's what you are. Skinny little wimps who can't drink to save their lives.

"Nope, you're gonna get kicked all over your little Stadium, and then you can go back to your rooms in those elitist sounding Houses and cry your little eyes out. Winthrop, Eliot, Lowell. Big bunch of babies, if you ask me.

"So are you scared, huh? We're 4-0, you know, we just beat Yale, your partner in obnoxiousness, and now we're set to step on you. And by the way, did you see John Harvard the other day? We fixed him, all right, we painted him green, 'cuz we know that while you guys would never admit it, you're just green with envy that you have to go to Harvard and didn't get into Dartmouth.

"Too tough for you, is that it? Not as smart as you think? You just talk a good game, hah? Multiflex, multisex, it's all the same to us, because whatever you guys do, you're gonna get killed. Okay, sucker."

Each week I look forward to two things--picking the Ivy games and going to the Winthrop Happy Hour. This week I'm doing the first before the second, so if I'm off target, you'll understand why:

DARTMOUTH at HARVARD--If this were two years ago, I'd probably pick Dartmouth. But two years ago I was still taking a tutorial and couldn't be held accountable for my actions. I still can't be, but I do have a feeling the Crimson is going to win. Not just a feeling but a positive intuition. It's in the cards, because Harvard hasn't peaked yet but the standings still show the Crimson with a 2-0 Ivy record and engaged in a first-place battle with the Big Green.

And if you want the real reason I'm picking Harvard it's because I have to. It's just not fun to do otherwise. Harvard 51, Dartmouth 0, and in case I'm wrong, why not be wrong in a big way?

YALE at COLUMBIA--Oooooh, are they mad in New Haven. They're steaming, in fact. No longer undefeated, in fourth place, and wasn't this supposed to be the big year? Well, it still might be, and today, Columbia will get punished for Dartmouth's indiscretion. Yale 34, Columbia 17.

CORNELL at BROWN--This would have been a good upset pick save for the fact the Bruins were just upset a week ago, an occurrence that not only shocked the defending co-champs but handed me my first non-Harvard loss of the year. I still haven't gotten over it. Brown 23, Cornell 14.

COLGATE at PRINCETON--The Tigers finally got it together last Saturday. Against Colgate today they'll probably be unraveled again. Colgate 21, Princeton 10. Last week: Three right, one wrong (.750).   Season: 19 right, three wrong (.864)   Season minus Harvard games: 17 right, one wrong (.944).   See you around oblivion, sports.