Dear B.S.

Bet you think writing sports is pretty boring, huh? Well you're wrong, pal. You wouldn't believe the mail that floods my office daily; people ask me about everything--from football to fooling around--and for weeks I've been keeping it a secret from my reading public.

But the time is now at hand to air these poor souls' questions and problems so that my responses can be a lesson to us all. The lesson: never take me seriously.

So let's empty out the ol' mail bag:

Dear B.S.,

I have this problem. I've been dating this guy for three weeks who I really like. Unfortunately, every time we go out he brings his roommate with him. I can't stand his roommate. I've told him about it, but he says it's within his rights to bring another guy along. Is there anything I can do?

Signed,

Two on One

Dear Two on One:

There certainly is something you can do about it! National Hockey League rules state that the "Third Person In" is unfair and that "said person" must be ejected from the contest and subject to a fine. So, you can get this guy out of the way and make some money on the side.

Dear B.S.,

I was at a couple of basketball games last year and I noticed that the band didn't play at any of them. Why is that?

Signed,

Sounds of Silence

Dear Sounds,

The answer is simple. Before Coach Tom Sanders came to Harvard he was offered a spot with the Four Tops. Despite a terrific baritone voice, Satch turned the offer down. The band found out about this and now refuses to play at home games. They feared that Satch might break into "For Once In My Life" in the middle of the third quarter.

Dear B.S.,

I'm a big fan, of Michael K. Savit. Could you tell me what he looks like and where I could write him?

Signed,

Savoir-Faire Maiden

Dear Maiden,

Mike's a pretty busy guy, but you can reach him by writing him c/o Winthrop House Superintendent. As far as looks go, I've heard more than one person say that Mike is the spitting image of Robert Redford--with plastic surgery, a bad nose job and black hair.

Dear B.S.,

I have a friend who says that Bill Carey is the center for the Crimson basketball squad. I keep telling him that the center is Steve Irion, who just looks like Carey. Who's right?

Signed,

Pivot Peave

Dear P.P.,

You're right, it is Steve Irion. Last year Carey gave Irion a "Mission Impossible Mask Kit" for Christmas and Steve made a mask that looked just like Carey. He didn't try it out until the Cornell game last year, when he netted 19 points, largely because The Big Red was so intimidated by the presence of two Bill Careys. They didn't know who to guard. Now Steve wears it all the time and--what can I say?--the Hoopsters are 3-3 and he's a star.

*************

Well, I guess that's about it. Keep those epistles coming. I'll see you at the IAB.