We are gathered here today to remember a friend. . .the '76 Crimson gridders

Well, we'll see you later.

Take it easy now

Don't work too hard.

It's been fun.

See you round the campus, sports.

(Lights begin to dim, as Harvard football team fades slowly out of the picture.)

Goodbye Jim. Don't worry, nobody's perfect.

Goodbye Bill, those two interceptions were really great.

Tommy, what can we say? Who says that size means anything.

And Tommy Joyce, we dug that tackle at Dartmouth.

(Cameras focus upon Kirkland House dining hall, which is over-flowing with tears.)

Now remember Bob, you've got another year to go, so we'll see you next September. Same for Russ, Steve and Charlie.

Mike, how can we ever forget last year at Yale.

(The scene is 60 Boylston St., where irate students demand refunds for their Yale tickets.)

Joe, what can we say? You were innovative until the end. We know that it's not your fault when the players fumble, rough the kicker and illegally procede. Call your offense whatever you like. Multi-flex, multi-sex, it will always be number one with us.

(A quick change of scenery to Providence, where people are dancing in the streets, finger-painting and making mocha milkshakes.)

John Anderson, you no good guacamole. Now look what you've done. You've ended the football season in Cambridge and November just started yesterday. Why at this time last year, we hadn't ever been upset by Princeton yet, let alone traveled to Providence and beaten up on you.

Do you know what this means? For one thing, it means no trip to Pennsylvania this Saturday. I mean really, would you go to Philadelphia to watch a team which has already lost to you? We certainly wouldn't.

But that's only the beginning. By defeating us here on Saturday, you created the most unhealthy of Ivy League title pictures.

The best thing that can happen now is a four-way tie for the championship, and who in the name of Sherman Holcombe wants that? Sure, everybody knows the scenario. We beat Penn and Yale, you lose to Dartmouth, all the other games go as expected, and on the morning of November 14th, four schools share the title.

Great, really great. That's like getting a B in four courses for eight consecutive semesters. Now how boring is it? At least get a C plus or two for some variety.

And that's the best that can occur (assuming that you don't lose to Columbia, Yale and Dartmouth to Princeton, and if all three of these things occur, then Jimmy Carter is a straight talker.)

And now for your final indiscretion. As you know, ABC has switche the weekend of November 13th from a national to a regional one, which means that there existed a good possibility of Harvard-Yale being on the tube.

Now that possibility still exists; in fact, it was just yesterday that Robert Greenway, the Manager of Program Planning over there, said, and we quote, "Harvard-Yale is definitely being considered. It's an attractive game with a lot of tradition."

But John, baby, don't you think that if Harvard-Yale was for all the marbles, ABC could as easily refuse telecasting it as BU refuses admission to Canadian hockey players (just a joke, guys).

Let's see now. A regional telecast would only mean about $390,000 for everyone involved, everyone being Harvard, Yale and all the other Ivies, which includes Brown (or so we're told).

Tell us that you thought for even half a second that ABC might consider televising Brown-Dartmouth this Saturday. Why that's funny, about as funny as the chicken who on a cold day crossed the street with his cape on. Hah, hah, you get it.

Oh yeah, one last thing, and this really burns us. Last Friday, you should have seen how many undergraduates up here stood in front of the athletic office and tried to figure out the procedure for filing applications to the Yale game.

Most of them think that Harvard Stadium is in Everett, but it didn't matter, because everyone had said that you have to go to The Game, you just have to, so they rushed to get their coupons in, and then less than 24 hours later, you take half the fun out of it (oh we're so sorry, there's still that four-way tie to consider. How could we forget?).

So nice going John. You're really cool. May you walk under a ladder and get called for illegal use of hands.

(The city of Providence recedes into Rhode Island as taps begin to sound. Suddenly, the director decides that he doesn't like the script, and calls for the spare, which goes something like this:)

"And Winn intercepts the pass intended for McDermott and breaks free down the left sideline. . . Touch-down, Harvard. . .

"It's an onside kick, and the Crimson recovers, the Crimson recovers, the Crimson recovers. . .

"Kubacki back to pass, he's rushed, he scrambles right, spots McDermott free in the endzone, and McDermott makes the catch, what a catch by Bobby McDermott with two seconds left in the game, and Harvard wins, 20-16."