Thanksgridding Guide

Anyone who doesn't remember who Karl Sweetan was, stop reading this column immediately.

All right, now that I've got you guys alone, and seeing that Thanksgiving is just around the corner, let's bag the hoopla and check out our schedule.

Thursday, November 25: I know Beverly High is playing Salem, but don't you get out of that bed till at least 12:00. That way you miss out on all those picky Thanksgiving chores, like running to the corner store for nutmeg.

The marathon opens at 1:00 p.m. with the annual Detroit Lions "Watch us play over our heads on national television and blow darts the rest of the season" Thanksgiving game. This year's battle is against the Buffalo Bills and if the game is as boring as the two teams involved, wait till the second quarter to get the nutmeg.

But then down to serious business. The Cardinals wrestle against the Cowboys and your football blood starts on its slow boil. These games are always exciting and bring out the manic fool in you. You spend two hours yelling absurd things like "DECK HIM! DECK HIM!," and the game's inevitable last-second finish leaves you shaking and babbling all night like a refrigerator on the fritz. That night nothing except counting audibles will put you to sleep.

Friday, November 26: You over-sleep, but just make it in time for the kickoff of the Oklahoma-Nebraska game, and as a result don't wash or brush your teeth until 6:00 that night. You're still cheering and taking in every play, but you start to realize that your body doesn't run quite as smoothly with Lays Potato Chips as fuel.

Saturday, November 27: "All the color and excitement of college football" seems all a dull astroturf green now as you enter the stage of "Spectator Degeneracy." The blank expression on the face, intermittant pulse beats, and visible post-nasal drip characterize your stuporous countenance. Penn State may beat Pittsburgh, and Notre Dame may wallop USC, but there's no bigger upset now than your stomach, as two-day old stuffing settles like a universal gym in the ol' labonza.

Sunday, November 28: Second Wind! The Patriots play the Broncos in a must game and no matter how boring the Giants-Seattle game is, Phyllys George revives and sustains you through that snoozer, and the Rams-49ers tilt after that. Fatigue settles in around 7:45 p.m. and after a quick gargle with Gatorade, you black out to end your vegetable four-day weekend.

Monday, November 29: Your metabolism is now running post patterns. You feel disoriented in class and experience stomach spasms when you eat square meals. Ironically, Kaopectate is the only thing that keeps you running. Monday Night Football. Cosell's face. You retch. This game passes you by.....

Now wasn't that fun? Let's do it again next year, huh?