1976: You, Too, Are Spiro Pavlovich

January

Calling for a year of "peace with honor," David L. "Maxim" Gorski, chief of University Police, accepts a promotion to Major. Two hundred officers with baby-blue jeeps and armored squad cars stage a full-dress Solidarity parade outside Mass Hall.

Stephen S.J. Hall hails the winter-vacation "cold-zone" program as a qualified success. "Maybe we didn't save as much money as we would have liked," Hall says, "but the distribution of coldness within the projected cold zones exceeded our most optimistic predictions, especially temperature-wise." He declares Mather House, Claverly Hall and the Quad to be permanent cold zones.

Sharply reduced attendance at Law School classes triggers rumors that Spiro Pavlovich/Jason Cord was impersonating as many as 40 per cent of his classmates. "This thing is turning out to be a lot bigger than we thought," Daniel Steiner concedes. He orders an investigation into the identities of several law school professors.

John T. Dunlop resigns as President Ford's Secretary of Labor. "The man's a moron," Dunlop tells a press conference. "What can you do for a president who thinks a Labor Secretary works for an obstetrician?"

Sargent Shriver, speaking from atop his campaign bus, "The John Fitzgerald Camelot Honey Fitz John-John Memorial Express," tells a Harvard audience, "Some people say, 'America, Love It or Leave It.' Well, in this bicentennial year I say, 'America, Save It or Shove It.'"

February

The Visiting Committee on Buildings and Grounds announces that the Science Center is bigger than it looks.

The Class Day Committee, saying it wants an orator with "mass appeal," invites Pope Paul VI to speak at Commencement. The Pontiff wires back: WOULD LOVE TO ADDRESS CLASS OF MCMLXXVI BUT IF GOD HAD INTENDED ME TO SPEAK AT HARVARD HE WOULD HAVE ARRANGED AN HONORARY DEGREE STOP DOMINE DOMINE DOMINE STOP PAUL"

President Bok denies that he doesn't know any faculty members. "I know a bunch of 'em," he says. "There's that guy in economics. Oh, now this is embarrassing, because his name was on the tip of my tongue just a minute ago. You know who I mean--the gangly guy with three names who's always on TV with William F. Buckley."

In a Washington's Birthday editorial, The Crimson calls for "an end to repression and torture in Chile and Spain, and everywhere else, for that matter."

March

In-his new Harvard Gazette column of budget-savings hints, "It's NIFTY to be THRIFTY," Stephen S.J. Hall suggests:

1.) Investigate the cost-benefit gains that would accrue to the Food Services Dept.:

a.) In the post-implementation period of a policy requiring freshmen to eat weekend meals at the Medical School.

b.) During a one-year moratorium on washing dining utensils.

2.) Shut off heat in all Houses, with the exception of designated warm zones to be inhabited by students in Groups I and II.

Field Marshall Gorski arrests Archie C. Epps III, dean of students, for no visible means of support. Gorski says, "What really puzzles us is where he gets those suits."

The editor of the Harvard Law Review defends his decision not to suspend Spiro M. Pavlovich from the Review staff. "You can say whatever you want about him," he says, "but you can't deny he's got the grades."

Edward O. Wilson calls a press conference to announce his discovery that chickens continue to run around for several seconds after their heads are cut off. Wilson tells reporters that this could have profound consequences for historians studying the French Revolution.

Wallace supporters storm The Boston Globe to protest the newspaper's headline, "Wallace Rolls to Victory in Mass Primary."

April

Harvard admits 1478 men and two women to the Class of 1980. "They wanted equal access and we gave it to 'em," chortles Jack Reardon '60, director of Admissions as he dresses for a squash game with L. Fred Jewett '57, dean of admissions. "Yeah," says Jewett, snapping a towel at Reardon, "look at it this way: Radcliffe's loss is Pine Manor's gain, if you know what I mean."

A mob of angry females and female sympathizers occupies the admissions office to demand Jewett's resignation. In response, General Gorski declares the Radcliffe Quad a free-fire zone. "I see light at the end of the tunnel," he says.

FBI agents searching a New Jersey dump uncover the body of Rep. Hale Boggs. "All right, who's the wise guy?" says an FBI spokesman. "Now I suppose we'll find Hoffa in Alaska."

The Class Day Committee invites Senator Robert Byrd to speak at Commencement after the seniors' first two choices, Ambassador George Bush and Nguyen Van Thieu, both decline. "Let me put it this way," says Class Day chairman Ron Wade, "The Senator is no prize, but a Byrd in hand is worth Thieu and Bush."

The Harvard Independent announces that it stopped publishing two years ago.

May

A week after Harvard grants tenure to Doris Kearns, Cosmopolitian begins serializing her psycho-history of Lyndon Johnson, All the Way With LBJ. "Lyndon Johnson was a man of contradictions," the first installment reveals. "He was kind and cruel. Cheerful and morose. Refined and crude. Young and old. Smart and dumb. Tall and short." "Well," Harvey Mansfield, chairman of the Government department, remarks, "this isn't the first time I've been bamboozled by a broad, and it probably won't be the last."

Calling for an end to elitism and privilege everywhere, a Crimson editorial headlined "Down With the Fly" proposes a college-wide boycott of the Fly Club Garden Party.

President Bok, in a last-ditch attempt to win the Kennedy Library for Harvard, offers to trade the new Pusey Library for it. In a letter to UMass President Robert Wood, Bok writes: "Any university can do the easy and popular thing, establishing a John Fitzgerald Kennedy Library. But only a really interesting school would think of naming a library after Nathan Marsh Pusey."

The H-R Gay Students Association, unable to find a presidential candidate who is gay, endorses Bayh.

Art Garfunkel, Denny Doyle, George Romney, Shecky Greene, Susan Ford, Frank Fitzsimmons, Squeaky Fromme, Karen Ann Quinlan and Sonny Bono all decline invitations to speak at Class Day.

June

Class Day speaker Frank Fisher, director of the Office of Career Services and Off-Campus Learning, tells seniors that 56 per cent of them will work as unskilled laborers after leaving Harvard. "If you want to know who you are, just drop by my office," he adds.

Spiro Pavlovich sues the Law School for defamation of characters.

The Crimson publishes a list of candidates President Bok is considering for the Deanship of the Med School. The list includes: Doc Watson, Doc Medich, E.L. Doctorow, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Doctor John, Baby Doc Duvalier, Doc Hines, Dock Ellis, Otis Redding, Dr. Joyce Brothers and Doctor Doolittle.

President Ford concedes during a televised news conference that the Alaskan pipeline is "certainly a can of worms, that's for darn sure." But he refuses to comment further, saying he prefers not to meddle in the internal affairs of a foreign country.

Texas Senator Lloyd Bentsen tells an overflow crowd in Holyoke 833, "Some people say, 'America, Love It or Leave It.' Well, in this bicentennial year I say, 'America, Build It or Boot It.'"

July

E.O. Wilson tells People Magazine he has discovered it is normal to eat eight times one's body weight. He reports that his conclusion grew out of experiments involving snakes and ants.

Carl Oglesby, director of the Assassination Information Bureau in Boston, says he has proof that President Kennedy died from food poisoning. "Naturally, the culinary angle was completely covered up by the Warren Commission," he says.

The two Harvard doctors using part of a $23 million grant from the Monsanto Chemical Co. report they've made no progress toward a cancer cure. "However," says Dr. Judah Folkman, "we've discovered a great aerosol oven cleaner."

After his convention victory, Democratic presidential nominee Birch Bayh announces that he wants Lester J. Centennial of Pocatello, Idaho, as his running mate. "I realize he's not exactly a household name," Bayh tells reporters, "but I just couldn't resist."

August

Joe Restic, new coach of the Cincinnati Bengals, is asked how he plans to use split end Pat McInally '75. "McInally?" Restic answers. "Didn't he get a Rhodes?"

Asked why his establishment is the only one in Harvard Square that gives pinball players three balls per game instead of five, Thomas Stefanian, owner of Tommy's Lunch, replies: "Let me tell you something. These guys, some of them, with their feet up when they sit there, and using all these napkins for a raspberry lime rickey, who come in the door all the time wanting stuff they can't get at no other place because I've been in business here longer than any of 'em. But seriously."

Stephen S.J. Hall orders his cold-zone program suspended for the remainder of the summer. "Let's face it," he says, "even where we've got air-conditioning it's costing a fortune to keep these buildings at 40 degrees."

September

The women of the Class of 1980, Caroline Kennedy and Sissela M. Bok, move into their suite in Thayer North. Deane Lord, director of Harvard's news office, comments, "This'll shut up all the malcontents who say the president doesn't know any freshmen."

Krister Stendhal steps down as dean of the Divinity School, saying, "If God had intended me to stay on, He wouldn't have had President Bok ask me to retire." In his search for Stendhal's successor, Bok is reported to be considering Robert Moses, Deane Lord, Jesus Alou, Isaiah Robertson, Frank Church, Adam Clayton Powell and Yves Montand.

In honor of its centennial, the Lampoon donates $100 to eight major charities. A letter accompanying the $12.50 check to the United Jewish Appeal reads in part, "We at Harvard's humor organization know full well that poverty and suffering are nothing to laugh about, although Jews are, if you know what we mean."

The Department of English and American Language and Literature announces that six senior members of its faculty have been dead since the spring of 1973. "It's high time we faced up to it," a department spokesman says.

October

In an open letter to the Harvard community, Dean Rosovsky announces that he has cut his salary to $40,000 and expects all Harvard workers to do the same.

The New Republic prints an article by someone Martin H. Peretz does not know. "What can I say-it just slipped by," says managing editor David Sanford. "The guy told us he met Marty at a cocktail party in New York, and, of course, a thing like that is very hard to check. It won't happen again."

Caroline Kennedy '80 invites her freshman classmates on a "Get to Know You" cruise aboard the Onassis yacht. "I mean, don't you just hate mixers?" she says.

E.O. Wilson tells a press conference that the only way to produce a mule is to mate a horse with a donkey. "You can't mate two mules," he says. "It just won't work."

Acting on advice from James Q. "Lock 'Em Up" Wilson, his new Minister of Justice, Generalissimo Gorski mines all walkways in the Yard. "We've got to do something about trespassers," he says, "and I'm sick and tired of being Mr. Nice Guy."

November

Harvard offers Muhammad Ali the Norton Lectureship in Poetry, but Ali turns it down. "It's an insult!" he says. "Next they're gonna gimme a Wepner Lectureship."

To further what it calls "the healthy trend of candid revelations from the First Family," the Harvard Political Review publishes Jack Ford's treatise, "On Liberty," a chronicle of his intimate relationship with the White House dog.

Onlookers in the Adams House dining room subdue Master Robert J. Kiely after he repeatedly stabs Rabbi Ben-Zion Gold in the chest with a fork. "Boy, is he touchy," Gold says. "All I wanted to know was where he got that flesh-colored yarmulka."

The Porcellian Club admits its first black member, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. '76-4. "I know, I know," says P.C. president David Gardener '77, "you're going to say he's not really black. But he did spend part of last year in Africa."

December

Continuing his crackdown on student-tutor cohabitation, William R. Hutchison, master of Winthrop House, orders Buildings and Ground to reverse the peepholes in all suite doors.

An HSA West Cost charter flight crashes and burns in the Rocky Mountains, killing all aboard. "We may have underestimated our fuel needs," admits HSA president Stephen Pollock '77. "But we feel this is the kind of mistake you can learn from."

Harvard Police, led by Commander Gorski, burn Claverly Hall to the ground in a pre-dawn raid. Later, addressing the University via closed-circuit TV from his Grays Hall bunker, Gorski say, "It was riddled with crime. We had to destroy it in order to save it."

In a Christmas message to the nation, President Ford says, "The eyes of the world are on Bethlehem today, which should make every steelworker proud."