1975: Martin Bormann You Can't Hide!

January

In a major address from the front lawn of his estate, President Bok acknowledges the "current economic crisis," but promises that "Harvard and Harvard men" will pull through. "If you went to Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., then you might have to worry about a job," Bok says, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." Bok also announces the auctioning-off of half the glass flowers, to the government of Saudi Arabia. "We need the money," he says, "and they want to make the desert bloom."

Stephen S.J. Hall, vice-president for administration, sees The Towering Inferno twice, and closes the top eight floors of Holyoke Center. Norman Mailer '43 awards himself the Nobel Prize for Literature. "I got tired of waiting," Mailer explains.

February

To commemorate Washington's Birthday, Bok lays off half the Buildings and Grounds Department, all Harvard employees from New Jersey, and basketball coach Tom "Satch" Sanders. "I cannot tell a lie," Bok explains. "He was just too fucking tall." Martin Peretz, master of South House, sells The New Republic and buys the Harvard Independent.

Daniel Steiner '54, general counsel to the University, sees Death Wish four times and runs through Harvard Square smashing the windshields of double-parked cars. Fifty thousand auto workers and Steiner are laid off.

Water-polo captain Al Bozer is found dead at the bottom of the pool after his team's first victory. "We thought he was faking," Bozer's teammates say mournfully. Pat McInally, drafted in the third round by the Philadelphia Eagles, says he "still can't make up my mind between a Rhodes and the pros."

George Wald, Higgins Professor of Biology, is treated for multiple contusions after riding through South Boston on a unicycle singing "We Shall Overcome." Doctors at the University Health Services list Wald's condition as "Not Bad, Considering."

March

Cambridge police arrest Martin L. Kilson, professor of Government, for loitering in front of the 24 Restaurant, and Bok lays off all blacks at Harvard in retaliation. Ewart Guinier '33, former chairman of the Afro-American Studies Department, charges that Bok was "just using it as an excuse to oppress black people at Harvard and around the world." "I don't need an excuse," Bok replies.

Rep. Wilbur Mills (D-Ark.) accepts a position as chairman of Boston's new Combat Zone Development Authority. Sporting a hair transplant and a WIN button, Mills unveils a new program for light-traffic hours, modeled after the MTA's highly successful Dime Time. "With unemployment at 12 per cent, not everyone can afford our usual rates," Mills says. "That's why we need the Buck Fuck."

In a hastily called press conference, Bok announces that the economic crisis is getting worse. "If you went to Brooklyn College in Brooklyn, N.Y., then you might have to worry about a job," he says, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." A hundred thousand steelworkers and Brooklyn alumnus Oscar Handlin, Pforzheimer University Professor, are laid off. "He talked too slow," Bok observes.

"None of this would have happened if Nixon hadn't resigned," Handlin comments, "but even McGovern would be better than Bok."

April

L. Fred Jewett '57, director of Admissions, confirms rumors that all 9,762 applicants for the class of '79 have been accepted. "They were all so good that we just couldn't make up our minds," Jewett explains. In a press conference the same day, Bok announces the doubling of tuition and the elimination of scholarships. He also auctions off the Old Testament half of the Gutenberg Bible, the Slavic Languages Department, and one of the Lowell House Russian bells, to the Shah of Iran. "I've always been fond of the Bible," Bok says, "but the Shah wanted a package deal."

Louis E. Martin, director of the Harvard College Library, sees Death Wish eight times and gouges out the eyes of 23 students with overdue library books. "If they won't let others read them, they won't read them either," he remarks. Two hundred fifty thousand miners and Martin are laid off.

I.M. Pei, architect of Boston's John Hancock Building, submits a new design for the John F. Kennedy Memorial Library, without windows. The Environmental Protection Agency takes it under advisement, but Stephen S.J. Hall files a protest. "We already ordered nine-track windows," Hall quips. "Now I'll have to lay off all the window-washers." In a hastily called press conference Bok tells Hall to "shut up."

May

To celebrate May Day, Bok eats dinner with Wendell Furry, professor of Physics, and lays off all women employed at Harvard. "I take this action out of respect for the time-honored tradition of good labor relations," Bok says. "Last hired, first fired," "Back to the bedroom," F. Skiddy von Stade '38, master of Mather House, chuckles.

Jean Mayer, professor of Nutrition, expresses anger at student opposition to meatless days, and orders the Food Services Department to serve turkey tetrazzini every day for a month, "to break them." Half a million teamsters and Mayer are laid off. Bok announces that Sen. Peter I. Dominick (R-Colo.), "an expert on Third World nutrition," will fill Mayer's chair.

The Rev. Sun Myung Moon buys the Divinity School.

June

In a first trial of Martin Peretz's new program of investigative reporting, an Independent editor discovers Archie C. Epps III, dean of Students, working, three months after Bok laid off all blacks. "They never noticed me before," Epps moans. "We had a beautiful relationship: I didn't bother Harvard, and it didn't bother me." Peretz awards himself a Pulitzer prize. "Liberals like myself excel at investigative reporting," he comments.

In a televised symposium on the 18 per cent unemployment rate, Bok modifies his previous position. "If you went to Whittier College in Whittier, Calif., you might have to worry about a job," Bok says, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." Accepting the Harvard Republican Club's Charles Manson Award for Mass Murder, former President Richard M. Nixon announces his simultaneous retirement from politics and organized crime. Nixon stops by the Coop to autograph copies of his memoirs, Requiem for a Dike Bomber.

Martin Bormann, last-minute stand-in as Class Day speaker for Henry A. Kissinger '50, is met by 9000 demonstrators organized by the New American Movement. As the protesters chant, "Martin Bormann, you can't hide: you've committed genocide," Bormann slips by them unnoticed.

The Palestine Liberation Organization buys the John F. Kennedy School of Government.

July

As the national unemployment rate reaches 24 per cent, President Ford announces that "Prosperity is just around the...uh..." but quickly recovers, calling for "a turkey tetrazzini in every pot." Bok lays off all teaching fellows, Native Americans, professors with foreign accents, and "to be fair," Harvard employees with Spanish surnames.

Richard J. Herrnstein, professor of Psychology, sees The Godfather 11 times and and wakes up with a bloody pigeon's head under his pillow. Bok sees The Godfather II 18 times and lays off all Italians. "I tried laying off the Scotch also," Bok explains, "but beer makes me gain weight, and it's bad for my image."

The Federal Bureau of Investigation cracks open the case of the Fogg Museum ancient coin robbery. "It suddenly came to me why someone would want an ancient coin," Clarence Kelley, FBI director, says. "Then it was just a matter of finding an ancient vending machine."

August

Sissela Bok, former research fellow in Medical Ethics, sees The Taking of Pelham One Two Three four times and hijacks the Harvard-Radcliffe shuttlebus, demanding its collected fares. Told that the bus is free, Bok demands to be driven to Cuba. The driver lies and tells her there is not enough fuel, and she is captured attempting to parachute out the rear emergency door. "We can't all be Einstein," she shrugs, as she is led away.

At a hastily called press conference, President Bok labels his wife "cute," but lays off the Germanic Languages Department in retaliation. "If you went to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, Mich., then you might have to worry about a job," Bok adds, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." In Washington, President Gerald Ford is laid off.

In a special ceremony at George Wald's bedside, Leonard Bernstein '39 awards him the Nobel Peace Prize. Bernstein also awards himself the first Nobel Prize for Music. "It's about time," Bernstein remarks. Bok squelches merger rumors by selling Radcliffe to Libya. Libyan premier Col. Muammar Qadaffi closes the school down. "As the leader of progressive Third World anti-imperialist forces everywhere," Qadaffi announces, "I do not believe in education for women. Back to the bedroom." F. Skiddy von Stade comments, "Me too."

Overdue at Philadelphia Eagles' training camp, Pat McInally issues a statement from his home in California, saying that he "still can't make up my mind between a Rhodes and the pros."

September

Chanting "Martin Bormann, we see you: it's time to pay for six million Jews," 15,000 NAM protesters attempt to confront Bormann at the Harvard Club as he accepts the Harvard Republican Club's Teddy Roosevelt Award for Service to a Superior Race. Bormann leaves by the back door, unnoticed.

In a second trial of Martin Peretz's investigative reporting policy, an Independent editor discovers that Stephen S.J. Hall's third name is Jose, and that Hall is still working, two months after Bok laid off all people with Spanish surnames. Hall agrees to go quietly. "If Roberto Ungar counts, so do I," he says. "El pueblo unido jamas sera vencido."

After his team loses its first game, to MIT, Bok lays off football coach Joe Restic. "His plays were just too complicated," Bok remarks, "and his teeth were just too white." Bok also lays off all of Harvard's famed dollar-a-year men. "They were overpaid," Bok quips.

October

In a tragic third trial of Martin Peretz's new investigative reporting policy, an Independent editor is dispatched to check rumors that the Lampoon's Ibis has been electrified to prevent theft. He never returns. "Things were going so well," Peretz moans, announcing the end of the investigative policy. "Liberals like myself are very concerned about human life. Besides, we already have our Pulitzer."

In a hastily called press conference, Bok announces that the nation's 38 per cent unemployment rate is "rather serious." "If you went to Yale College in New Haven, Conn., then you might have to worry about a job," Bok continues, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." A million garment workers, grape pickers, bank tellers, and Yale alumnus Charles U. Daly, vice-president for Government and Community Affairs, are laid off. "Bulldog, bulldog, bow, wow, wow," Bok chuckles.

Kuwait buys the Law School, the Medical School, and the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences. David L. "Maxim" Gorski, the new chief of University police, sees Death Wish 15 times and shoots seven students bicycling in the Yard through the knees. "Dave has a lot to learn about how we do things at Harvard," Robert Tonis, Gorski's predecessor, comments.

To celebrate Halloween, Bok dresses up as Kingman Brewster and announces that there is no money to continue building the Pusey Library. "The only point of it was to name something after Nate," Bok says. "Now, instead of the Nathan M. Pusey Library, it'll just be the Nathan M. Pusey Hole In The Ground." In another effort to save money, Bok cancels all classes.

November

A Quincy House Film Society showing of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is halted by angry members of the Harvard-Radcliffe Troll Association. Chanting "Walt Disney, stop your lies: we're gonna cut you down to size," the protesters topple the projector. In an open letter to the Harvard community, six Nieman fellows denounce the trolls for "seriously undermining the liberties we all hold dear." "This is how things started in Germany," the letter concludes.

The rugby team is forced to cancel the remainder of its schedule after half its starters come down with cirrhosis of the liver. The Harvard-Yale football game ends in a boring 0-0 tie. At a hastily called press conference afterwards, Bok announces that "they're right--Harvard does such," and lays off hockey coach Billy Cleary '56, "just to shake things up."

Martin Bormann delivers the first of his Godkin lectures on foreign policy, "The Big Fib." Forty-five thousand NAM protesters, chanting "Martin Bormann, we're no fools: we know Nazis are fascist tools," picket peacefully, three blocks away.

To celebrate Thanksgiving, Bok auctions off Plymouth Rock. In a special Thanksgiving Day broadcast from Attica, N.Y., President Rockefeller acknowledges that "many people find being out of work difficult," but advises them to "count their blessings, just as I do."

December

To celebrate Pearl Harbor Day, Bok lays off all Japanese at Harvard and confines them to Sever 11. To celebrate Chanukah, he lays of all Jews at Harvard. "This will save a lot of money," Bok says, "and besides, they were too goddamned pushy."

Martin Peretz, munching a pork chop, takes up his new duties as special lecturer on Mormonism. "Gene says give the system one more chance," Peretz says. "Liberals like myself believe in religious pluralism." Rockefeller bombs Hanoi for Christmas.

Harvard's most vigorous opponent of the Buckley Amendment, Alan E. Heimert '49, chairman of the English Department, is laid off after a routine check of his files reveals that he forged his letters of recommendation to Harvard in 1945. "This Leviathan-like traducing of my personal privacy pisses me off," Heimert snorts. Special Delivery News Service runs a full-page Crimson advertisement urging subscribers who do not receive their papers to "Give us what we deserve." Later that morning, The Crimson building at 14 Plympton St. is fire-bombed. Nearby, Pat McInally explains to two children and their Irish Setter that he "still can't make up my mind between a Rhodes and the pros."

In a tearful final press conference at Harvard, ex-president Bok announces that he has been laid off, but offers words of encouragement to his former students. "If you went to Stanford University in Palo Alto, Calif., then you might have to worry about a job," Bok says, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about."