Cidergate: After the Fall

Among many archaeological discoveries in the Holy Land, one recent find bears special contemporary relevance. A team of American archaeologists, digging near the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in present-day Iraq, have just completed piecing together the papyrus fragments of several long-buried scrolls. Heralded as the oldest known samples of the written word, the scrolls are said to contain the transcribed record of an ancient tribunal formally entitled the "Celestial Select Committee Investigating the Fall."

Several high-ranking angels of both the Seraphim and Cherubim persuasions constituted its membership. It seems that the Committee was especially interested in the case of one Adam (no last name given) who had apparently been involved in the burglary of an apple from something called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (abbreviated in the text as the "TKGE"). It was not completely clear, however, whether this Adam had actually participated in the burglary or whether he had become an accomplice after the fact. The Celestial Committee seems to have been greatly concerned with clarifying this point.

What follows below is a short but important excerpt from the transcripts that have thus far been translated. It contains the testimony of one Eve, who, so the archaeologists claim, was a close female associate of Adam and therefore in one of the best positions to have knowledge of Adam's knowledge of the burglary of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. As will become clear in the text, however, Eve herself was deeply implicated in the burglary thus lending her testimony somewhat dubious credibility.

Seraph: Just for the record, will you state for the Committee your name, address and present occupation.

Eve: My name is Eve. I live in the Garden of Eden where I work as a woman.

Seraph: Thank you. Now Eve, before we get started with the detailed questions, I want to state to you, as I have to the other witnesses before you, the two general questions which have informed this phase of our hearings. Now these questions relate to the extent of Adam's involvement both before and after the burglary of the TKGE. Simply put, with a minimum of superfluous verbiage, these questions, admittedly somewhat rhetorical, are as follows: How much did Adam know, and when did he know it? Do you understand the questions?

Eve: Yes.

Seraph: Well, can you elaborate a bit?

Eve: I think I covered those issues in the statement which I submitted to the Committee. Do you want me to go through all that again now?

Seraph: Well, no. Let me ask you a question of somewhat narrower scope. How long have you known Adam?

Eve: You mean in the Biblical sense?

Seraph: No, I don't mean in the Biblical sense. I mean, how long have you been acquainted with Adam.

Eve: A little over a week.

Seraph: Will you please discuss the circumstances of how you came to be so acquainted.

Eve: Yes, but it's all a little hazy now. I sort of woke up one day next to this sleeping naked guy. He had a scar on his right side like he had just had gall stones removed or something. Anyway, he finally woke up, and when he saw me, boy, was he surprised!

Seraph: What did he say?

Eve: As I recall, he said, "Wow!" Then he kind of laughed and said, "And I thought they were just ribbing me." Then he said "Wow!" again. Two "Wows".

Seraph: And who did you assumed that "they" referred to?

Eve: Well, I later assumed he was talking about the ones he called the "Higher-ups." At the time he could have been talking about the fruit flies for all I knew.

Seraph: I see. And was there any further discussion of these "Higher-ups"?

Eve: No, I don't think so. We were kind of occupied. You know getting acquainted and all.

Seraph: Now, you're sure this is the only mention that Adam made of the "Higher-ups"?

Eve: Well, he also said something about what the Highest-up had told him about the two trees in the center of the Garden.

Seraph: Ah hah. And what was that?

Eve: Well, as I understood it from Adam, the Highest-up had put it this way: You do your thing, and I'll do my thing. But if you eat of the fruit of the two trees at the center of the Garden, you better start packing.

Seraph: So there was no question in either of your minds, then, that eating the fruit of those two trees was a no-no, was there?

Eve: Well, yes and no. With all due respect, what the Highest-up said didn't really make much sense.

Seraph: What do you mean?

Eve: I mean, it wasn't as though we had much to pack. We weren't even wearing fig leaves yet.

Seraph: We'll get to the fig leaves in good time. Right now, let's talk about the actual burglary of the TKGE. To the best of your recollection, what happened that day?

Eve: Let's see. Adam was out naming animals that morning. He was working on the mammals and was doing pretty well until all of a sudden he got stuck at hippopotamus. To tell you the truth, I didn't blame the guy. All along he had been coming up with simple names like "frog," "mouse," "cat." And then, out of the blue, he comes up with a complicated name like "hippopotamus." I mean, even "elephant" was stretching things a bit, and "kangaroo" was a positive extreme. But "hippopotamus"??? I said to him, "Couldn't you just call it a 'fat' or, at most, a 'fattamus?' But no, the guy was hung-up on "hippopotamus," and who was I to...

Seraph: Excuse me, Eve, but could you get directly to the burglary of the TKGE?

Eve: Sure. O.K. I was sitting by the river putting together a Caesar salad for lunch. There were plenty of nuts and berries, but we were a little short on apples. All of a sudden this serpent comes along and says something like, "Evie, Baby, have I got some apples for you!"

Seraph: Please continue.

Eve: Well, the serpent told me to follow him, which I did, and he led me to the two trees at the center of the Garden. "How do you like them apples?" he said.

Seraph: And...?

Eve: I said, "Well, they certainly look like good apples, but I don't think the Highest-up is going to go for it. At least that's what Adam said."

Seraph: Then what?

Eve: The serpent just laughed and said, "Ah, come on. Who's going to know? Anyway, you know what they say, 'Render unto the Lord what is the Lord's, and render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.'" The serpent is a great one for cliches.

Seraph: So it seems. What did you do?

Eve: Well, I just stood there for a while. The serpent was going on about "an apple a day" and so forth. Finally I...I took an apple.

Seraph: So you are telling this Committee that you knowingly and willfully took an apple from the TKGE with the full knowledge that the Highest-up had forbade you to do so?

Eve: Well, now wait a minute. I already said that what the Highest-up said didn't make too much sense. And He didn't say anything about taking fruits but only about eating them. And He didn't really say not to do it but only what would happen if we did. And anyway, I assumed that the serpent must have been acting with the knowledge of the Highest-up.

Seraph: What caused you to assume that?

Eve: Well, at the time it was my impression that nothing went on in the Garden without the knowledge of the Highest-up. I know that since then there's been a lot of talk, especially from the serpent, about the "Separation of Powers." But, with all due respect, nobody was talking about the Separation of Powers before the burglary of the TKGE. Well, nobody but Adam.

Seraph: What was Adam saying?

Eve: Oh, before he went out exploring and naming in the morning, he'd say that the Highest-up didn't separate us into man and woman for nothing. That's why I should do the cooking while he did the looking.

Seraph: I see. Well now, Eve, will you please tell us exactly what happened when Adam returned from his looking. I don't have to tell you that this sequence of events is crucial in our establishing his guilt or innocence.

Eve: O.K. As I recall, I was finishing up the salad when Adam came back muttering, "I know a hippopotamus when I see one, and that big fat thing in the river is a hippopotamus...What's for lunch?"

"Caesar salad," I told him, "your favorite."

Then he said, "Wow!" or maybe it was "Wow! Wow!" He was just about to dig in when he said, "Wait a minute, Eve. I thought we were short on apples. You didn't..."

"How do you like them apples?" I said.

"They're nice," he said, "real nice." That's when he started eating.

Seraph: So you are telling us that as far as you know Adam had no prior knowledge of the source of the apples or of the burglary of the TKGE. Is that correct?

Eve: Well, with all due respect, I really don't see what difference it makes.

Seraph: Now what can you possibly mean by that?

Eve: We're under investigation for doing something evil when we should have known enough to do something good, right?

Seraph: Right.

Eve: And the evil thing we're supposed to have done is eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, right?

Seraph: Right.

Eve: Because when we ate the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil we would suddenly acquire the knowledge of good and evil which we weren't supposed to have, right?

Seraph: Right.

Eve: Well then, how can you blame us for doing something evil when we should have known enough to do something good which was not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil before we ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil which was the only way we could have gotten the knowledge of good and evil that we would have needed to know enough not to eat from it? If you know what I mean.

Seraph: I think the woman has a point.

Eve: I mean the burglary and eating of the TKGE was no isolated event. I think we have to see it in the total context of the previous week and a half. Without trying to minimize the importance of this incident, there was a general climate of immorality that was rampant in the Garden up to that point. Adam and I were running around naked and doing a whole bunch of things that would hardly be classified today as family entertainment. When we wanted to sleep, we slept. When we wanted to eat, we ate. When we wanted to...uh...get better acquainted, we got better acquainted. There was no "sweat of the brow" stuff, no "thorns and thistles." And you should have seen the other animals. I mean, talk about disrespect, talk about feeling above the law, talk about permissivism...

Seraph: Excuse me, Eve. Now let's assume for a moment that the events occurred as you have told us. I'll even grant you your points about the Separation of Powers, prior knowledge, and the general climate of immorality in the Garden. But surely the events that followed the burglary and eating of the TKGE demonstrate conscious and deliberate wrong-doing and an attempt on both your and Adam's parts to hide

Hank Greenspan is a research assistant at the Graduate School of Education and a freelance writer. the facts from the Highest-up. I refer, of course, to what has become known as the "Fig Leaf" episode. Would you please tell us what you know of that.

Eve: I'll try. Adam was on about his second bite of Caesar salad. Everything was quiet and peaceful, and he was looking at me with that "Wow!" expression of his. Then, all of a sudden, this really crazy look comes over his face. He jumped up spilling salad all over the place. Then he just ran off into the trees. In a few minutes he came running back with a bunch of fig leaves in his hand. Then he starts yelling at me, "For God's sake, Eve, get your butt off the ground and put on these fig leaves!"

Seraph: Those were his exact words?

Eve: Yeah. He was holding the fig leaves in my face and yelling, "Put these on, for God's sake! Cover-up! Cover-up! This is the cover-up!"... Whoops, did I say that?

Seraph: Evie, Baby, that's all we need to know... Call the next witness