On the Bench

I got a phone call late last night from the (soon to be ex-) Brown football coach, Len Jardine.

"I'm in trouble," Lennie said. "I can't find a job. After all, who wants a coach who's won four games in five years and lost the championship of Rhode Island two years running? When the the Pats lost to Miami, 52-0, I thought I could fix up a trade, me for John Mazur, but allthe Pats would offer was an autographed picture of Brian Dowling, two kicking tees, and a hot dog vendor to be named later. You don't suppose the Crimson touch football team could use a little coaching help? What the hell, you guys would win 23-2 even if your coaching staff consisted of George McGovern, John Yovicsin, and the general who told the Light Brigade to charge."

"Well, I don't know Lennie, I replied. "I don't think we want to take that kind of a risk with a 100 year winning streak. But I'll tell you. If you do win today, you might inquire about football coaching opening openings at 60 Boylston St., Cambridge, Mass.

PENN-COLUMBIA -- Take heart, Brown. Your old rival for the Ivy League cellar, Pennsylvania, has beaten Harvard in football and hockey and snaked away Harvard's most handsome, popular professor, Edwin C. Banfield, all in the same year. The Quakers have also beaten Princeton and Yale on the weekends preceding and following their humiliation of Harvard, and they may go on to achieve the impossible -- losing to Brown and winning the Ivy League title in the same season. Penn, 33-13.

DARTMOUTH-CORNELL -- Cornell offers courses in Hotel Administration (Big Ed Marinaro's major) and an Agriculture School, where the hockey team grazes in the off-season. But at Dartmouth, the emphasis is on a broad education. According to the school sosng. "Men of Dartmouth," when th4e Big Green Indians finish their education and go forth into the world, they take with them "the granite of New Hampshire--In their muscles and their brains." Dartmouth, 20-16.

PRINCETON-YALE--Things are returning to normal at Old Nassau. The undergraduates wear orange and black buttons reading "Bring back the Old Princeton;" membership at the Clubs is increasing after a few lean years; and the Trustees have brought ROTC back on campus without any opposition. Today, Princetonians will maintain another tradition -- losing to Yale -- which they have done more often than not over the last century. Yale, 24-10.

HARVARD-BROWN -- Will the Bruins win one for Lennie? Will "Pineapple" Milt Holt re-enact the Eric Crone syndrome by warming up his arm against the Brown secondary and then gaining glory the next week against Yale? Harvard, 28-14.

CRIMSON-INDEPENDENT -- The Brown Daily Herald chickened out, so the lady has agreed to fill-in so they can finish last on the gridiron as well as on the breakfast table. Crimson, 23.2