Crim Drubs News 23-2

The Yale Daily New's Lew Schwartz sat in quiet shock at the post-game party in the News's posh office on York St. last Saturday noon.

With a leg of Colonel Sanders's best wedged but drooping between his first and second digits and a full glass of not-so-sparkling New York State Champagne balanced on his knee, Schwartz waxed sorrowful and his head bowed low. Soon only a thin stream of years weaving its contoured trail down his cheek interrupted the comatose scene.

He had just experienced a losing season, his fourth 23-2 loss in as many years to the "Breakfast Table Daily" gang from Cambridge, and the sinking realization that the Colonel's potato salad had come complete with a marching battalion of tiny black ants.

For Schwartz, the whole day was a mistake from the outset. The first quarter of the Crimson-News game was nothing short of embarrassing for Schwartz and his crew. "Bullet" Bob Gerlach scored the first Crime touchdown, as he recovered a blocked News punt in the endzone. Bob "Dandy Dallas" Decherd admittedly blocked the attempted kick.

"As soon as the ball was snapped, I saw my man wasn't picking me up, and I had a big chance to block it." Dandy Dallas' explained, "I said to myself, 'Hey, Hey, this is my big chance to block it. It was and I did." Decherd is presently in the Waltham City Hospital's Blue Bunnies Ward, recuperating from a seven-hour operation to remove the words "The Duke" from his forehead.

Two touchdowns for the Crime and a safety for the News later, the Crime held a 21-2 advantage. With the final few seconds ticking away, quarterback Schwartz retreated towards his own endzone contemplating a pass, as the 10,000 tailgaters in the adjoining parking lot screamed in anticipation.

Upon reaching the goal line, much to his surprise, he found that instead of "The Duke" tucked under his arms, he was clutching "The Dobbs," a size 7 1/4 brown fedora.

A completely confused Schwartz stood with eyes wide open in his own endzone. Just then, a Bulldog, responding to the name of Widener, ran in between Schwartz's legs. The quarterback stumbled, losing his balance and "The Dobbs." Bewildered, Schwartz groped for the nearest semi-round object, as players piled on top of him. Sure enough, in a moment of magic not yet explainable, he ended up with "The Duke," Decherd ended up on top of Schwartz, and the Crime ended up with a 23-2 win.