Tea Leaves and Taurus

While upstart journals of opinion busy themselves with trying to predict events of the whole decade, the CRIMSON continues its responsible task of holding a moist forefinger up to see which way the winds of the coming year are blowing. After an afternoon spend with the entrails of Yard pigeons, we have come up with the following. We can only hope that among our readers a few will be moved to clip out our prophesis and confirm their accuracy next January.

JANUARY

As the steel strike resumes, Labor Secretary Mitchell reconsiders his prediction that '60 will be "better than '59" and clandestinely orders a hat-shaped bottle of Haig & Haig to drink on the Capitol steps. From University Hall comes news that a rhinoceros has been appointed to the vacant Geography professorship. "It costs relatively little to feed," Dean Bundy explains, "and we can use the money saved elsewhere." To relieve exam period monotony, the Lampoon parodies the Wall Street Journal. The Journal returns with a parody of the Lampoon. The Lampoon parodies the parody. The Journal parodies the parody parody. The Lampoon asks for an eighty day "cooling off period." It is granted.

FEBRUARY

Reports from the Astronauts confirm rumors that the Soviet Union is indeed establishing customs on the moon. Asked about moon import duties, at his weekly news conference, President Eisenhower comments, "It is a small price to pay for security." The Senate debates recognition of the other side of the moon. Administrative vice President Reynolds announces that ('s) graffitos will be drawn for the asking, in any room of the Leverett towers.

MARCH

After their talks in France, Premier De Gaulle and Khrushchev announce that they have divided the world between them. De Gaulle secures possession of the visible half of the moon, giving Africa in trade. Shortly thereafter, he is crowned "Moon King" by adoring Frenchmen. Dean Bundy decides to tour Russia and is termed "Prince of Peace" by adoring Russians. He explains that the trip was "non-political," that he "only wanted to confirm Lacy-Zarubin exchange." President Pusey wires Yale President Griswold, "5 will get you 10 'Ole Mac he's back in town!"

APRIL

The Loeb Drama Committee announces that the first production in the Drama Center will be an Arthur Kopit double-header: "Life is Like a Sewer--You Only Get Out of It What You Put Into It" and "Q". Kopit apologizes for the shortness of the second title, hinting that he was pressured by his publicity chairman. Harry Levin's office in the building features alternating black and white walls. "I like the symbolism" he tells the curious. "Harvard drama is 'sick, sick, sick'" Jan Hartman tells anybody who will listen.

MAY

Its eighty day "cooling off period" over, The Wall Street Journal parodies The Lampoon, which never recovers. At a Pre-Reunion meeting, angry alumni hire the Harvard Band for a march on Leverett Towers. The group parades around the structures seven times, shouts "Veritas" causing the building to crumble into dust. Premier Khrushchev announces, "We will bury you on the 27th, and this time we mean it." Eisenhower announces a State Department reading period assignment of "What You Should Know About Communism" in preparation. At noon on the 27th, the sun stands still.

JUNE

Yielding to pressure from Professors Galbraith and Schlesinger, the Corporation decides to give out degrees only to Democrats. "We want to even the series," explains one members, "but since the only good Democrat is a dead Democrat, all our awards are posthumous." Other awards go to Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford, Richard III, and Leif Erickson, true discoverer of the continent.

JULY

From a walk-up apartment on Berkley St. to which he has moved with his family, Dean Bundy explains that his home will be used to house students in the fall because of the destruction of the Leverett Towers. "We had to make room somewhere," he goes on. "I want you to understand that this is not expansion--we just happened to admit more this year." The next day, Dean Munro comments that he could "put up a few" in his newly-built $125,000 house. Failing to nominate a Democrat, the Democratic Party convention offers the running to Nelson Rockefeller. Rockefeller issues a statement saying "I probably won't run if nominated, and probably wouldn't serve if elected." The Student Council offers to run the election.

AUGUST

Word leaks from University Hall that Harvard has received an offer from the Defense Department to rent land under the stadium for secret underground atomic tests. "The University is not considering the offer," President Pusey admits, during a conference in his Hayes St. apartment. "It is inconsistent with the University's tradition of scientific amateurism. Besides, they would probably rip up the playing field."

SEPTEMBER

With the return of students, University Hall announces that tuition has risen to $1400 in order to keep pace with other colleges in the Ivy League. A communique from President Pusey to Yale President Griswold reading "Raise You 50!" is discovered by reporters. Board charges rise to $1000 and Director Carl Tucker explains, "Everything is going up these days--1000 is a nice round number, too."

OCTOBER

Charles Van Doren is appointed Preacher to the University. To quell the angry shouting of a hastily formed "Divinitas" group of alumni, Van Doren issues a statement explaining that he had "peered over the brink of nothingness" and had "seen God." President Pusey terms the appointment, "the logical extreme of a policy of deconversion."

NOVEMBER

Because the Student Council chooses a Sunday for National elections, alert Rockefeller supporters dominate the pitifully small voting public. Rockefeller announces that he "would just as soon be Governor of New York" but will take the job anyway. Dean Bundy is appointed "Prince of Peace" in the new cabinet.

DECEMBER

Courtney Smith of the Rhodes Scholarship Committee announces that only applicants from Harvard, Yale, and Princeton would be considered in future competitions. "Preference will, of course, be given to Harvard students," he adds. West Point goes into a pout and cancels all classes in Rhodesmanship. A communique from President Pusey to Yale President Griswold reading "5 gets you 7 we win again this year!" is discovered by reporters. In a revival of national faith during the Christmas season effigies of Santa Claus are nailed on crosses all acros the land. Oh yes, The Third World War Will Not Take Place.