Wanted: A War Slogan

Every war needs a slogan--to rally the masses and pluck at their purse `strings. Something easy and original like "Remember the Alamo," "Remember the Maine," and "Remember Pearl Harbor!" But so far, in the absence of any singularly memorable event in the Vietnamese war, the phrase epitomizing the spirit of the American fighting man has gone unspoken.

Hoping to fill this slogan-gap, I recently called on my old Madison Avenue cohort, Barton Durstine, creator of such winning catchlines as "The Edsel is eternal" and "In your heart, you know he's right."

Our interview follows:

ME: Bart, the nation needs a war slogan.

BART: You said it, kid. We ought to give a name to the game and brighten up the war's image. Like identify the war with food or sex to fit in with our defending apple pie and motherhood.

ME: Well, sort of ... But one of the biggest complaints about the war is the enormous cost. Try to think of a slogan that will raise some money as well as our spirits.

BART: Spirits! Holy escalation, that's it! Listen, on every fifth of liquor, you pay about $2.00 for government taxes, right? And since half of the national budget goes for defense, that means every bottle bought contributes $1.00 for our boys in Vietnam. Now if each man, woman, and child in this country drank two fifths of liquor every single week for a year, that would raise the $20 billion annual cost of the war....

ME: Bart, even you can't make drinking patriotic.

BART: Look, Grant saved the Union didn't he, and they named a whiskey after him. But, my prime concern is our hard-drinking, draft-dodging college youth. I want to assure them that they are doing their part sipping Bourbon while the soldiers do the fighting. After all, each drink pays for another bullet. And we'll underscore their contribution by urging them to drink by the jigger and "Have a shot at the VC!"

ME: Bart, that's one of the most inspiring war slogans since "My country right or wrong." I don't know what it will do for the morale of the boys on the front, but here at home it sounds like a splendid little war.