How to Make a Local Call

1. Open your telephone directory and find number: e.g. John Smith UN 8-4141.

2. Grasp receiver firmly in left hand and with right dial number.

3. The phone will ring three times and the following message will come on: "The message you have die-yelled is out of serviss. If yu nee dahsistanz pleez stay on the phowon until the ohpahray-torr answers."

4. The operator will tell you to what number the number you have dialed has been changed. e.g. 491-4141. (Note: a memory device: 491 is the same as GYnecology 1 or HYannisport 1.)

5. Dial the new number. Wait until you hear a maddening shrieking electronic whirr. This is a signal that the number you have dialed does not exist.

6. Call 411, Information. After 13 rings the operator will answer. Ask her for John Smith. She will answer: "Eye yum sorry sirr butt they er iz no party of that name listud." You protest. She will answer: "Eye yum sorry."

7. Dial University information UN 8-7600 and ask for John Smith--Quincy House. The man will say: "I'm sorry but information is closed." You sigh. He adds by way of conciliation: "I can connect you with the Quincy House Superintendent if you like."

8. The superintendent's phone rings 24 times before he answers it. Ask him for John Smith. He gives you the number: UN 8-4141.

9. In desperation, dial the number. A voice answers: "Hallo. Joe's Tavern." Ask if John Smith is in. The voice replies: "John who?" Say Smith. "You musta got da wrong numbah, buddy. Dis is UN 8-4141."

10. Replace receiver on carriage. Grasp telephone firmly in both hands. Pull out of wall. Curse.