THE CRIME

Crime waves are all right in their way and to a certain extent should be encouraged as the symbol of a vital, throbbing, national prosperity. But even crane waves can go too far. And when we heard the other day that several of our old baseball favorites have been caught on the crest of one of these surges of iniquity, and that Cobb and Speaker are liable to be waived out of the American league we decided that the present side of sin has exceeded its legitimate high water mark. And being a man of prompt action we no sooner decided that American crime had gone too far than we resolved to do something about it. We gave this matter the full benefit of our careful consideration and arrived at several plausible solutions of the problem. Pahily put, our leading crime preventatives follow:

Take pistol away from thug. Thug will try to shoot you just the same. Will feel foolish and hide his head.

Tell thug you are Dean Pound. Thug will be impressed; will contribute to $5,000,000 Law School Fund.

Start telling thug about over-emphasis of football. Thug will be uninterested; will try to sneak away.

Pass law against crime. Thugs will all die of laughter.

We are sure that these methods if applied intelligently and with an eye for the nearest exit will work to the satisfaction of all. If they do not prove efficacious, however, we see no way out but to submit the matter to arbitration. And this brings us to our second point in our consideration of American crime conditions.

Better Communication Proposed

It is quite evident that if any get together plans are so be undertaken by the members of the underworld and the rulers of this country the former should have means of keeping in closer touch with each other. An underground telephone service between Cambridge and Chicago, for instance might prove of great use in bringing about that coordination of criminals, which is now so sadly lacking and which stands as a stubborn obstacle in the way of unified crime. We even go so far as to indorse such a service and to offer our plans for the opening ceremonial call, The underground connection having been established we set a definite time on such and such a day for the official inauguration of the latest and grandest achievement of science. The leading thugs and gunmeu of our great middle Western metropolis will congregate at one end of the line and the cream of Cambridge gentlemen robbers will assemble in Arthur's Smoke Shop on the other.

We are now confronted with the problem of selecting a fitting representative to send the first low down that has ever been conveyed by entirely underground means to Chicago. For this office we humbly dominate one of Lampy's treasury department.

We are now ready for the great moment. Outwardly calm but inwardly trembling with the significance of the act the moneyed jester lifts the receiver from the hook.

"Hello, Central, give me the Chicago Underworld, please--Yes, hello is this Chicago--; central you cut me off. Hello, hello--Chicago Underworld? What? what was that? the Chicago Underworld? Oh, the New York Journal (in high disgust). We must have got the wires mixed."

Then just as he is about to try again the underworld river, which everybody knows flows under that part of Cambridge, begins to seep through the cracks in the floor and the distinguished gathering retreats in terror.

Flagrant Criminals Exposed

Before we leave this subject of crime we wish to suggest that the authorities leave such petty matters is murder and theft for a while and concentrate their effort on the suppression of those criminals who have something fundamentally bad about them. For murderers can eustly be cured with a few yards of hemp, but those crimes of which we speak strike far deeper into the natures of their perpetrators. Among the proscribed we should like to place; those he men who go around these zero mornings without coats: people who stay up all night before an examination; people who have six exams in a row.