THE ROMAN ROAD TO HELL

The eminent Teutons, notably Herr Ludwig and Herr Keyserling, who have been foreshadowing the future of this country in abstractions, seem obstinately determined to send it packing to its destruction. It appears that the United States is rich and materialistic as was the Roman Empire, and that post hoc, ergo propter hoc, is good and appropriate Latin. But on consideration, other parallels are evident. The tributary nations, such as Nicaragua and Mexico, are departing from fealty; missionaries are retiring in fear before savage Chinese warlords; Europeans look with greed on American wealth. Luxury is creeping in; laborers in linen collars sprawl in scented cinema palaces and forget about capitalism. In the Capitol, Caligula Heflin rails against religion, and tortures the Senators. In Colorado the Praetorian Guards are shooting workers. The barbarians have already seized Newburyport and Chicago. Dominated by Cults, races, fearers of liquid voodoos, the country writhes with the torture of electing a new emperor. The hour is at hand!

But before the bands of Rotarians and Kiwanians with H. L. Mencken tied to a chariot wheel descend on the colleges to butcher the decadent inhabitants, it is only fair that the people be allowed, in the correct tradition, to stage some orgies. Unfortunately there exists the anomaly that the clerical calumniators who would naturally on such occasions be fed to other than literary lions, are keeping, the projected revellers tightly strapped to the stake. The materials for Bacchanalia cannot be obtained in sufficient amount, and the police would not allow Saturnalia. Before the destruction finally comes, then, the authorities must adopt a more liberal attitude toward orgies. Suetonius himself could not tell a good story on Pickwick Pale alone.