HELIUM RAISING HELL

The two billion genus homos who inhabit our twirling sphere can now breathe a sing of relief; at the Physical Colloquium, held in the Jefferson Physical Laboratory yesterday afternoon, Dr. W. R. Aston, professor at Trinity College, Cambridge, reaffirmed his statement that the sun will shine for some billion years more instead of only a paltry few million as formerly predicted.

The prophecy is based on the discovery that the hydrogen in one teaspoonful of water, if cornered, properly attacked with an electric current, and turned into helium, would yield 2,000,000 kilowatt hours or 275,000 horse power. This fact grants then sun a longer lease on sunbeams that was previously thought possible. Formerly the physicist believed that the geologist assigned greater antiquity to the earth and sun than the caloric energy of the two would allow. But not that it is known that sun than the caloric energy of the two would allow. But now that it is known that such tremendous power is latent tin these toast, geologists and physicists can celebrate with unanimity the 1600 millionth anniversary of the world's birthday and toast enthusiastically "ten billion more of em" to the sun.

But verily it appears that our sword of Damocles has only been rehung almost out of sight above us, less oppressive but more terrible; for according to Dr. Aston there is always the possibility that if the experiment were performed at some time in the future the energy liberated might prove completely uncontrollable. Its intense violence might detonate all neighboring substance and the result of this most successful experiment be published to the rest of the universe in the form of a new star of extraordinary brilliancy.

Now likely as not some chemist a few million years, hence, desiring post-humous flame, will loose Destruction from Pandora's box and cheat humanity out of the promised other nine billion years to come.