The Curious Case of the Grill Burger

Curiouser and curiouser. By Krystal K. Phu

Sometimes, collard greens and a turkey sandwich that for some reason has peaches on it just don’t cut it for lunch. So, you pull out your Mange app and debate over getting an omelette or a burger. You order the burger, add cheese, and wait a dreaded seventeen minutes because no one in Lev wanted to eat the turkey sandwich either.

At this point, your burger embarks on one of three journeys:

It’s Black

It’s more likely than not you’ll be presented with a coal-like puck of meat thinly veiled with a slice of cheese—arranged almost as if to conceal the shame of the charred burger you have been presented with. Some people are not as fortunate, or mentally prepared, to look at their burger. They unknowingly bite into the edible chimney, then put it down. Tears leak from their eyes. Are these patties cooked on the sun and shipped back to Earth? Perhaps that would explain the seventeen minute wait. These are by far the saddest of dhall burgers to encounter. Pray that you do not receive one.

It’s Still Breathing

Conversely, your burger may have been cooked with a flashlight, and is still alive. These borderline raw concoctions are so undercooked that the warmth of the patty does not even start to melt the cheese, which makes for a textural nightmare. If the bun is stale, just rent a Zipcar and drive into the ocean. This is the lowest point of your life. I do not know what “umami” means, but it is not this.

It’s PERFECT

Sometimes, the person manning the grill is on their A-game. Few dining halls have that one chef that always nails their grill orders. For example, Mather House’s Lynette should be on Chopped. Few people have enhanced my Harvard experience more than Lynette. Lynette is the best. Shoutout to Lynette. I love you. These chefs grill the bun while the patty cooks, throw the cheese on the patty while it reaches that perfect medium rare/medium range, and say a prayer that it may nourish your body before putting it out on the countertop. The cross section which brands these beautiful creations will change your life. It’s a beautiful sight. It’s a beautiful burger. It’s perfect.

In sum, approach the HUDS Grill burger with caution. It could make or break your day. Better yet, just order an omelette.