Get Punched

Punch season is upon us. From my extensive experience (La Vie accidentally gave me an invitation addressed to another girl once) I am more than qualified to advise sophomores looking to get into a final club. So here are some tips.

1. Call Your Meteorologist

If you want to impress at punch events, you have to master the small talk, and to master the small talk, you have to understand the weather. You can only talk about your hometown, house, concentration, and mutual friend Anne for so long. Eventually you will have to move on to other subjects: the weather. During my short-lived punch season I made the mistake of trying to talk about my greatest fear, death—but really I should have just stuck to describing a cloud that looked like Joe Biden.

2. Get a Cute Date

If you make it as far as the date event, you will need to have a companion on hand to prove you can talk to the opposite sex and to cover for you when you can’t figure out what politician the stratocumulus looks like.  Despite what you might think, blow-up dolls do not count. So you might want to bribe a linkmate to go with you. If you really get desperate, bring a prune and tell everyone you couldn’t find a date. Final club bros love puns, and dried fruit.

3. Buy a Yacht

It’s not necessary, but it’s definitely helpful—not just for punch, but for life. Think of how cool you’ll sound when you tell people you own a 40-foot boat with a built-in waterslide. Forget the P.C.; you’re on a boat.