Harvard Columnist: Yale Wins Come Just Once in a Decade

Editor’s note: This column continues a yearly tradition in which sportswriters on The Harvard Crimson and The Yale Daily News write dueling articles in advance of The Game. The column written by The Yale Daily News can be found here.

It took 10 years for Yale to beat Harvard once. A single time. Winning can be hard, apparently, but beating the Crimson took the Bulldogs longer than it took the US to build the first continental railroad, or Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling, or the Revolutionary War, or the UAE to finish the construction of the Burj Khalifa.

It’s not just that 10 years is a long time, but that winning only 10 percent of the games in the last decade is atrocious. Even a Yale grad has better odds at landing a job than that. Heck, Donald Trump had a better chance of winning the election than the Bulldogs had at winning a game in the last decade. Of course, competing against a Yale grad, it’s no wonder he pulled out the victory. The Bulldogs historically choke.

Like in 2014 when Harvard scored with 55 seconds remaining to win. Or in 2009 when Yale lost 14-10 after holding a 10-point halftime lead. Just like losing to the Crimson, choking is a tradition.

Another storied Bulldog tradition is staying off the crime-ridden New Haven streets.

In anticipation of the upcoming trip to the college, I’ve purchased both a full bullet proof vest and a lock box for my valuables in addition to drafting my last will and testament.

It may sound excessive, but this is only standard procedure when traveling a city that is in the 94th percentile for crime. Yale denies a lesser percentage of applicants than the percentage of cities that are safer than New Haven.

But Yale students can always leave when they wish—which I assume is most of the time.

New Haven is, after all, only an hour’s drive from the exciting town of Hartford. If you wish to find actual civilization, that’s in Boston and only two hours north.

On the plus side, New Haven is supposed to have great pizza. But if you have a desire to eat anything besides that, you’re out of luck. Just ask former Dean of Pierson College, June Chu. The theatres are supposed to be nice though.

According to the former dean, the Criterion Cinemas allegedly has a “small theater feel without the sketchy crowds (despite it being in New Haven).”

Though one would figure that after hanging around Yale students all day, the dean would be used to sketchy crowds.

Look I get it, Yale has good architecture.

The school spends so much time talking about how pretty the buildings are that it’s almost like they’re compensating for something. After last year’s “Saybrook Strip,” at least we can now be sure what for.

Let’s not forget about the Poopertrator. But who can blame the poor student.

I would be stressed too if I attended 1270th best college in the nation. Yale’s so bad even tempered Shia Labeouf turned down the school’s scholarship offer.

Speaking of Yale students, the Bulldogs can boast five presidents and a swath of CIA agents. Contrarly, Harvard has seven presidents, five current supreme court justices, and consistently more members of congress.

The fact that Yale students go to work for the CIA just proves what everyone already knew: Yale students that graduate work for their Crimson peers.

The city of New Haven itself is a dumpster fire—no question—and at the pinnacle of that dumpster is Yale. And at the apex of that pinnacle, is the Bulldog football team.

In the last 10 contests, Yale has beaten Harvard exactly once.

In the same span of time, the Crimson won the Ivy League six times.

Sure, the Bulldogs have clinched the Ivy League but everybody really couldn’t care less. Assuming a loss on Saturday—an easy assumption to make—Yale will become the worst Ivy League champion since 1982 when another team with two losses took the title.

A blind squirrel can find a nut now and again. A broken clock is right twice a day.

Even Yale can win the Ivy League once a decade.

—Staff writer Cade Palmer can be reached at cade.palmer@thecrimson.com.