FM Imagines: Food Fight Fortnight
Advising Fortnight is here, reminding all of us freshmen that we’re almost a quarter of the way through our time at Harvard. But instead of being a positive celebration of Harvard’s 48 concentrations, Advising Fortnight-related emails and ambushes in the back of Annenberg give off the vibe of an advertising blitz gone wrong. FDO: Stop trying to make Advising Fortnight happen. It’s not going to happen. Stop handing out hundreds of glossy flyers to freshman in Annenberg—let’s be real, they just throw them into the recycling bin outside the door, anyway.
Instead, FM suggests that the FDO try hosting Food Fight Fortnight, an opportunity for students to get real hands-on experience in their concentrations with like-minded freshmen. We imagine it would play out something like this...
March 30, 5:45 p.m., Annenberg Hall
The kick-off battle rages. HUDS greeters John and Francine watch in horror as students throw sugar cookies like ninja stars and jab at each other with those pointy waffle cones. The SEAS kids are firing a custom chicken nuggetlauncher towards masses huddling behind overturned tables as future Folklore & Mythology concentrators chronicle the violence. Meanwhile, the Government crew takes advantage of the popularity of the dumplings, employing a bait-and-switch technique to isolate small groups of History & Literaure concentrators. Suddenly, the Music kids drum up a battle march and charge the freshman interested in Visual and Environmenal Studies, who are sitting on the ground and smearing gravy on their faces. Off to the side, swai-covered Philosophy kids re-evaluate their existence while the Economics crowd brainstorms how to profit off of the battle’s aftermath.
March 31, 3:30 p.m., Maxwell Dworkin Lobby
The Computer Science kids have no need to use real-life food in a fight. C’mon guys, they took CS50! Instead, virtual food provides these techies’ artillery. The Internet is their battlefield. Fingers stained orange with Cheeto dust and bodies fueled by Red Bull and adrenaline, the CS hopefuls hunch over their laptops and fight for their lives. Without warning, a student curses as he mistakenly opens a hamburger patty e-bomb.
“Rookie mistake, loser,” smirks the guy next to him. Across from them, two girls sweat profusely as they flood each others’ screens with virtual organic vanilla soy milk. In the center of the room, a shimmering hologram of David J. Malan ’99 looks on, proud of what he has created.
April 3, 1:00 p.m., Boylston Hall
Baguettes. Everywhere. The Romance Languages and Literatures department is a mad house, with students using the shorter loaves as swords and the longer ones as lances. Portuguese rolls, usually soft and fluffy balls of delight, have become deadly projectiles. Tempers are flaring, and students hurl insults in multiple languages. The Francophiles attempt to assert their superiority over the plebeians who dare study Spanish. The office staff, hoping to explain the program’s numerous study abroad opportunities, shouts at the crowd, but the diverse array of ethnic food continues to fuel the cacophonous battle.
Bonus: These events are sort of like physical education classes, too; you can’t expect Applied Math and Pure Math to battle it out without burning some calories! So FDO, get on board. Let’s make this happen.