Harvard Shutters Stillman: What Next?

In case you missed it, Harvard University Health Services is planning to shutter the Stillman Infirmary, ending its overnight services beginning next semester. Stillman is perhaps better known as the place you’ve had to bring your out-of-control roommate at least once (or maybe the place you’ve woken up a couple Sunday mornings, too). While the university is in the business of closing seemingly essential services in order to improve efficiency, here are some other things they might do away with:

The Yard
The Yard is everything that is wrong with Harvard—it’s full of old, historical buildings and is constantly swarmed by a mixture of tourists and freshman. It’s really just a glorified shortcut between the Houses and classes. Who needs it?

Lamont
If relocating all of Lamont’s books and other resources is too costly, maybe instead they should just reduce Lamont’s Monday-Thursday hours to 8am to 10pm, and offer overnight phone consultations instead.

The D-halls
If your hunger is that much of an emergency, you can go eat somewhere where you pay for it. But honestly, how much do students really need to eat? Most of them don’t even finish their plates every night, so they must not need food at all.

Students
If there is one threat to university efficiency, it is definitely students. We come here and live in University housing, eat University food, and take up the precious office hours of University professors. If the school really wants to restructure and save some dough, it should really just get rid of students.

The Amnesty Policy
Oh wait, closing Stillman means they’re already halfway there.