Top Five Songs That, When You Think About It, Aren't That Romantic

5. L-O-V-E—Nat King Cole

I actually like this song, but that doesn’t keep it from being the worst “Sesame Street” song never written. This track sounds more like an abortive attempt by Hooked On Phonics to engage the more romantically inclined of their pupils in the art of spelling. While some of the lines are admirably romantic, I can’t help but dread the inevitable Rihanna cover, “L-U-V (Is All That I Can Give 2 U).”

4. Every Breath You Take—The Police

I used to love this song.  In fourth grade, my desk buddy mocked me for singing it, and referred to it as “the stalker song.” Ever since, the romance of the song has been secondary to the creepy lyrics. Some of the highlights include “Every breath you take / Every move you make / Every bond you break / Every step you take / I’ll be watching you” and the later alterations to that formula: “Every single day / Every word you say / Every game you play / Every night you stay / I’ll be watching you.” Whoever this girl is, she has cause for a restraining order. As for me, I just wish I could listen to this song again without laughing.

3. Love and Marriage—Frank Sinatra

From the frumpy bombast of the trombones that barrel their way through the song like an overweight matchmaker through the heart of town, to the close-minded lyrics, this song is perhaps the least romantic love song ever: “Love and marriage, / Love and marriage / Go together like a horse and carriage / This I tell you brother / You can’t have one without the other.” Depending on which meaning for the word ‘love’ the songwriters are employing here, this song pretty easily justifies the practice of Shotgun weddings.

2. I’ll Be The Other Woman—The Soul Children

The lyrics for this soap opera soul track speak for themselves: “I’ll be the other woman / All your life / Just as long as I’m the only one /Other than your wife,” and “Loving a married man / This I really don’t mind / But a married Casanova / Is a little out of my line.” This woman has some self-respect, but she might be setting the bar a little low.

1. Your Love Is My Drug—Ke$ha

What scares me most about this song is how much I liked it when I first heard it. Ke$ha really gets her point across, too, by saying the word ‘love’ a grand total of 55 subtly Auto-Tuned times. She compares herself to a “lovesick crackhead,” defiantly claiming that “the rush is worth the price I pay.” The general idea behind this song is that being in love is sort of like being a crackwhore, which is really not that romantic, when you think about it. In the music video, she wakes up in the middle of a desert. The animated elephants are pretty sweet, but the video leaves some questions unanswered: how will she survive in the desert? How did she wind up in the desert? She doesn’t seem to have any water or idea of how she got there—presumably she wound up there while on a love-bender with her Jesus-wannabe love-drug. Also, if she held her listeners captive up until the end, then the spoken “I like your beard” and accompanying irritating cackle are enough to break the engagement. Perhaps the next best thing about this song is that whenever I watch the music video a Google ad tells me “You are not alone.  Let us help you—Drug and Alcohol Recovery.”

—Benjamin Naddaff-Hafrey is the incoming Music Editor. When he thinks about it, he’s very romantic.