Dating 101

So you’re a single guy, and you can’t seem to land a girlfriend. You are totally nonplussed at the lack of attention you receive from girls—after all, who can resist a guy who produces his own podcast touting Captain Kirk over Captain Picard and is fluent in four languages, including Elfish? Even with these credentials, however, you find that the most interaction you have with girls at Harvard occurs when you stand next to them in line at the dining hall.

Luckily for you, with my advice you’ll soon turn your nights of playing Xbox by yourself into nights of playing Xbox with a complaining girl at your side. There are 6,000 undergraduates here at Harvard, and by using a complex formula, I’ve calculated that there are about 3,000 young women at the College. There is a girl out there for you, and I will help you get her. But why should you listen to what I, a lowly sophomore, have to say? Because I’ve made every possible mistake with girls, so I know exactly what not to do.

Girls love a guy with confidence. When around them it’s essential to do everything you can to maintain a calm and collected façade, even if inside, your heart is pounding out a drumbeat worthy of a Bruce Springsteen song. Talk about the positive aspects of your life, like how your razor now has five blades, but make sure that you don’t spend too much time talking about your own interests. For example, girls hate it when guys start talking about professional sports because they don’t understand how anyone could be so devoted to a bunch of men who we essentially can only watch on TV. Try talking about something much more meaningful that girls are interested in, like whether or not the marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will last.

I’ve found that young college women are always looking for guys who are sensitive and self-sufficient, but maintain a strong, masculine personality. The problem is, of course, guys like this don’t really exist. So, the guys who end up with the girls are not the ones who have these traits, but the ones who are able to trick girls into thinking that they do. You must subtly show the girl you are courting that you are sensitive, manly, and able to take care of yourself. Try saying something like this to her: “I’ve been so busy lately washing my own workout clothes that I haven’t been able to adopt enough abandoned puppies.” You might also want to throw out a witty, yet sensitive joke; for instance, you can establish your anti-war credentials by commenting that “we can’t hug our children with nuclear arms.” No one wants a guy who is in favor of nuclear war.

Once you have done enough awkward talking with a girl while looking at your shoes, your next move should be to ask her on a date, somewhere that is meaningful for both you and her. But while taking a girl to a Red Sox-Yankees game in the third row may seem like the ultimate display of affection to you, chances are that it is not to the girl. Watching players like David Ortiz run around in tight pants for three hours will not get her in a romantic mood. You’ll find that the movie theater is the perfect place for a first date. Movies are great because both of you can enjoy yourselves without even talking to each other, thereby reducing the chances that you will screw up. This is a well-known risk management technique they teach over at the B-School. Also, make sure to ask her if she wants any popcorn or candy from the concession stand. She will say no, because girls always say no, but get her something anyway—she really does want some and will just end up eating all of your popcorn if you don’t. Finally, pick a movie with an unrealistically attractive actress in it so your date will leave the theater feeling a little self-conscious and begin to consider that maybe she should settle for a guy like you after all.

After several of these dates and a few “pokes” on Facebook, hopefully you’ll have beguiled her into thinking that you are worth her time. But once you’ve reached the well-established stage in college relationships of “she’s not my girlfriend but if she hooked up with someone else I’d be pissed,” you can’t back off. Do everything you can to keep her interested and on her toes. Every time she gets even a little bored, tell her to pack a bag full of smiles, because you two are heading out for a night on the town. And always keep her laughing. Despite popular belief, it doesn’t matter if she is laughing at you or with you. As long as she thinks you’re funny it means she is entertained and happy, and given the most recent polls from CNN, most people apparently like to be happy. Your humor can be manifested in many different forms, but whatever you do, don’t try to get girls by being a humor writer. You’ll find that the only female who is impressed and proud of you is your mom.



Eric A. Kester ’08 is an anthropology concentrator in Winthrop House. His column appears on alternate Thursdays.